The weekend is here once again. These 2 days of the week have been making me feeling moody and depress for the past one month.
It has been a month since the day i said "i do". I am still unsure of how i really feel. Why is my feeling towards E*H so weak? Just because of the appearance of one guy i knew for that just ONE week before the wedding?
I text E*H this morning about my feelings with this marriage. I know the message will hurt him but i have to let him know how i really feel. Y*I may be cheating me for all i know but why his presence shook our relationship so badly. Its not that i have never met some other guys whom i have a crush on. But this one is really different. Till i can feel so bored with my own hubby??? I am really going crazy!
I was just trying my luck yeasterday. Asked Y*I out for a movie today. I was rejected. His reason was because of his pile of school work. I doubt so. One - he do not want the risk to bump with anyone outside; being caught dating someone's WIFE. Two - he has a steady partner. Last sat i text him a few times about this time. There were no reply at all. Reason? He thought my husband was at home with me. Its a fucking lie! I'm with my husband on weekdays. Why did he dare to text me on weekday nights then. My guess? He is right now dating someone, his steady girlfriend...
Well, i can only wish for one thing. If that he is just using me for lust, i will caught him with somebody outside very, very soon! And that will be the end to this bloody affair! Don't he dare think that he can't do anything more with his partner before they gets married, he can use other girl to satisfy his needs.
OH MY GOD!!! What is happening to me? All these doesn't matter if it is really happening! I have no rights to even think like this. Myself a whore! a slut! a fucking stupid shit! I allow myself to be used by him, to satisfy his wants. I should just blame myself for allowing this affair to go on week after week. He have said it a few times "Why am i doing with someone's wife", "What am i gonna do with my life". He did not deny when i sarcastically hinted that he is dating a lot of girls or that he should find some other single girls. Neither did he admit he is doing so.
Sigh.
What am i gonna do with my own life. For one thing i know, i will have to pay a price after my life ends one day. For all these sins that i have been doing. Gosh, i can't believe this. Marriage is the biggest mistake i have ever done in my entire 25 years on this earth. Not accomplishing certain things such as my studies, career can still be rectified. But not for this. I owe my parents, my husband and most of all, the above - HIM!
Sometimes when i think about wanting to be with Y*I, i don't think it will have a happy ending as well. Lets just imagine if i am to EVER be single once again, for whichever reasons, i don't think it will be a smooth sailing marriage with Y*I. Karma. That is what will happen to us. There will be more challenges to face after the sins that we did before we are together for real. And even if one day i am to be single, i don't think he would even want me to be his wife. Who wants to be with a widow. Who wants to be with a girl who let herself be touched the way i did. His family will not like me for who i am, for the status that i gonna have. Their son is a smarty pants, have a very bright future. They would definitely want a girl who is a VIRGIN, have a high education as well as a good CAREER. Basically, the same status as they are. A landed property, smart sons, financial stabilty and whatever not. Who am i to think even that far to be with Y*I. It will only happen in DREAMLAND.
My, when am i able to sort this problem out. TELL ME WHEN!!
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