The past week was filled with ups and downs. I thought 7 September was the end. My messages were filled of harsh words; i kept blaming him for everything.
"I will be here. Pls dun treat me like i'm a bad person."
But a day later, we were okay all over again. Sigh. I was so depressed of the situation i was or infact am still in.
Monday 10 Sep, was the confirmation day. The tests was positive. And that i am in DEEP SHIT! It is suppose to be a happy news, but not me. I just knew that i can't keep it.
Wednesday, 12 Sep, was an anxious day. The doctor didn't ask me much, knowing that i have made my decision. Its 3 weeks old. Since then, my days has been filled with fears, reluctance, regrets and everything else negative.
Thursday, 20 Sep, a day i will always remember. I am so scared of this day. I just don't know what to expect.
Maybe my perceptions towards him have been wrong. I thought he will just disappear knowing what happened. But he didn't. Although i wish he shows more of his concern about this, but part of me can understand that he do not want to bring up the subject more than anything else. For all i know, he may be feeling terrible that all these happen. Am i just making myself feeling better, i don't know.
I met him for a short while on Wed, 12 Sep, to try out the online thingy we discussed earlier that day. Although it was for awhile, it has always make my day feels better. After the check-up that evening, i text him the updates. I thought that he will not reply but suprisingly he did.
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"lol, cina nak mampus, hehe. anyway foetal stage, no life, just cells :-("
"ya lar smarty pants. Haiz."
"shucks. if only we are married."
"Hhhmm... i'm just wondering, would you still want to date me after what has happen?"
"Do you? :-("Let him in?"
"Do you? I asked you first?"
"I want to meet you forever. dun u find it stupid for me to ask u to come today?"
"Hehe. Smarty pants dun need me to be around to do bb. Most of the time, i just sit there and stare. Zzzz.."
"Wek! moral support + motivation but i miss the cat."
"i miss the budak kecik."
The day before when i told him my 2 buddies weren't around, he told me that he is around but one day, i will hate him. And when i told him that he will just forget about me someday after he meets someone new, he said he don't think he will get attached.
And yesterday, for the first time ever, we chatted on the phone for more than an hour (01:03:01). He wasnt feeling well yesterday. But after the conversation, i felt down when he text me "why am i confiding with someone else's wife? :-( sigh." " i feel a little weak mentally when i am sick. :-( thanks for talking."
This rollercoaster feeling is terrible. I feel happy for a little while. I feel horrible for a damn loooong time. As much as both of know that this has to end soon, we just can't bring ourselves to end it. I feel embarrased sometimes being around with him. One day he will just realise that i am of no use to him. And i think that will be the day he leaves our workplace. The moment he step out of that place, i will be one of his bad memories.
Sigh. I'm not feeling well today. Maybe its the weather. Maybe its the thing inside me.
To you inside, I am sorry... but i just can't keep you dear. Hope you understand.
Please forgive me.
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