The start of an ending? (posted on 20/08/2007)

We sort of 'quarrel' yesterday.It all started because i wanted to find out more about him. I kept texting him if he is seeing someone, or if he have someone in mind already. He couldn't take the questions i guess, so the OUTBURST.

S*A: Honestly, tell me, do u haf a gf? If u do, mayb we should stop wat we r dng. It is not fair for her either.

Y*I: no.

S*A: dun bluff

Y*I: i am not married and i am not attached to anyone.

S*A: then ur a player?

Y*I: u know wat, if u not happy with something, say it, i had enuff of hearing things, i told u i even had staff saying they are my gf and things when i never even tough them.

***silence***Y*I: what happened? :-(
S*A: i am nt sure. I kept thinking why u want to be with me. Am i being used or am i using u to satisfy ourselves? I duno. I'm juz scared of losing u. But its selfish of me to thnk so...
Y*I: ok. the day i have a gf, i will tell u.
S*A: For nw, wat?

Y*I: wat nw ar?

S*A: Now?

Y*I: ya lar, wat nw ar? gf?
S*A: you haf anyone in mind?
Y*I: What is wrong with you? I just threw everything just now.
S*A: Wat? Can't i know about u? Is it wrong? What now! Are we just sleeping partner & the rest are secrets???
Y*I: u really want to know abt u?
S*A: WHAT?!?

I am not sure what he threw exactly. But i managed to get a bit of his past.He met someone like me 4 years ago. They didn't do anything pysical at all, not even a kiss. Then he was told that she was married. Now he met me, a few days before i got married. He said maybe its his fate. He hate himself. He feels so happy knowing me but it is just not right.That hurts! That last few words were so hurting!He did not reply any of my text afterwards. Even when i said "i was sorry i hurt his feelings a few times". And when i thought that it was the end, he text me a simple goodnight.That is when i always feel weird. This always happen. When i think that this is the end of us, his text will suddenly came along. Maybe my thoughts about him were so strong that he felt it.

Whatever it is now, we will never ever be together. We will never have a happy ending. If i stop it now, it will hurt. If it drag till later, it may be more hurting.

What should i do?

He sound real when he told me about this girl from his past. He said he will tell me if he have a girlfriend one day. But i don't know if i can ever or would even want to hear about it. I know i am being selfish with my feelings and thoughts.

But when the day comes, i will have to accept it...........don't i?