24 hours has since passed my worst nightmare. I'm starting to feel the pain at the lower back. Not sure if it is because of the medicine which has worn off.Suprisingly, fortunately, everything went smoothly yesterday. Must really be thankful that there was no pain, no giddiness and that i could went home still looking 'normal'. Nobody suspected anything. I can't say the same for the judgement day or maybe a few years from now. I must be ready for any retribution that i may face on this earth. Sigh.
He did care about me yesterday, for awhile. He was texting me that few hours and called me about 4+pm to ask how was i. It may be out of guilt. It may be pure concerns. I don't know and sometimes, i don't feel like i want to know anymore. I am tired. Tired of this whole thing. It is just leading to nowhere.
I envy those couple who can't wait to get married and feel so pleased that they are eventually married. Why not me? Wasn't he my choice? After 3 longs years, this is how it ends? I no longer feel excited whenever he text me, call me or even when he is not around at home. Instead, i am looking forward to a stranger's call, the meetings, for even that one second, i will feel glad. Just what is wrong with me??? This is so unfair...
Today at work, my boss have informed E*M that she will be working for Y*I prog. Its so weird. I suddenly felt hurt. I don't know why, i am not sure... When i told Y*I about it, he wanted to talk to his boss to get me as well. But doesn't that make everything more 'weird-er'! People will start to think "why ME"?? His boss always see us together. Any my boss too. But i think he have something else in mind. I don't know but i just feel like people do not want us to work together. Not that i want to work for that program but what just happened?? Is it too obvious between the two of us?? Sigh.
I do not want to think about work now. E*M was so smiley all day just now. She does like Y*I i think. She was 'offered' the same program previously but she rejected it. But this time seems like she is more than happy to accept the new portfolio. I don't know why am i feeling this way. Am i jealous or what!?! But for what!!!!
Sigh. I feel empty inside. I should not be feeling worry anymore. But what do i want from him now? Shouldn't it be over between us? After all the nightmare, I do not wish to end up in the same scenario again. The next time when i really have one, i woild want to have the free feeling, the happy feeling that it is my hubby's. Not those worries, depressed moments anymore. But part of me do want to meet him sometime. Just to chat, a warm hug, sweet kisses...
What is wrong with me...??
He did care about me yesterday, for awhile. He was texting me that few hours and called me about 4+pm to ask how was i. It may be out of guilt. It may be pure concerns. I don't know and sometimes, i don't feel like i want to know anymore. I am tired. Tired of this whole thing. It is just leading to nowhere.
I envy those couple who can't wait to get married and feel so pleased that they are eventually married. Why not me? Wasn't he my choice? After 3 longs years, this is how it ends? I no longer feel excited whenever he text me, call me or even when he is not around at home. Instead, i am looking forward to a stranger's call, the meetings, for even that one second, i will feel glad. Just what is wrong with me??? This is so unfair...
Today at work, my boss have informed E*M that she will be working for Y*I prog. Its so weird. I suddenly felt hurt. I don't know why, i am not sure... When i told Y*I about it, he wanted to talk to his boss to get me as well. But doesn't that make everything more 'weird-er'! People will start to think "why ME"?? His boss always see us together. Any my boss too. But i think he have something else in mind. I don't know but i just feel like people do not want us to work together. Not that i want to work for that program but what just happened?? Is it too obvious between the two of us?? Sigh.
I do not want to think about work now. E*M was so smiley all day just now. She does like Y*I i think. She was 'offered' the same program previously but she rejected it. But this time seems like she is more than happy to accept the new portfolio. I don't know why am i feeling this way. Am i jealous or what!?! But for what!!!!
Sigh. I feel empty inside. I should not be feeling worry anymore. But what do i want from him now? Shouldn't it be over between us? After all the nightmare, I do not wish to end up in the same scenario again. The next time when i really have one, i woild want to have the free feeling, the happy feeling that it is my hubby's. Not those worries, depressed moments anymore. But part of me do want to meet him sometime. Just to chat, a warm hug, sweet kisses...
What is wrong with me...??
Gosh! I have to start afresh... somehow... someone, please HELP me!
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