The first ever 'date'. Just the two of us. Out there, in the public.
It felt so real, like i was so free, single but attached and free to date. I wish. Maybe what brought us together is work. We always talk about people that we know at work. About the stuff we are doing and what he need to accomplish. That is why we always have things to talk about when we meet.
While we were walking around, it was obvious that both of us were wary of our surroundings. There was always a distant between us. Only when we knew there were not much crowd like at the toy store or while waiting for the lift, we would stand slightly closer or held hands. We know we can't afford to do this all the time. It is just too risky. But anyway he is a busy guy, with his school and stuff. Above all, it does feel good just being with him today, a day which i will always remember.
It felt like somehow that he may not be lying to me after all. Again, this doesn't matter but i pity him. It is seriously not fair for him. Why am i treating him this way? I am no longer in a boy girl relationship but i have a REAL new family to be with. What will happen to me? to us?
I have 'spilled' bowls of sins onto a clean sheet of cloth which i've just bought for myself. The cloth which is worth the price of a lifetime, which i have been saving for the past three years. I do not know how to go on wearing this cloth. It is such an embarrasment walking around, wearing this cloth, which i know is full of dirt underneath. Please remind me how did i ever ended up with this piece of sh*t! I can't remove the dirt no more. It will be with me forever...
I am so scared of the retributions that i am facing later, if not in the after life, on earth itself. What if one day my heart change once again, that i return to E*H and he never feel the same way towards me anymore. Or what if i manage to be with Y*I one day but he will treat me the same like what i am doing to my own marriage. God! I can't imagine but when the day comes, i must tell myself...
What goes around... Comes all the way back around...
Its KARMA.
No comments:
Post a Comment