"Are you married?" :-(
I was shocked with this sudden text. I thought he text the wrong person. But it was meant for me... After the Sat's date, i think he felt pressurised. His next text was about this phrase of the squirrel -> one fine day, people will sure to find out about this affair.
":-( the only problem is that we are starting to move to public places and people have eyes. ARGHH!"
Bingo. He was referring to the Sat's date. Sigh.
I really felt like breaking down there and then yesterday. I've forgotten who i am. In the midst of having fun and "in love" (i presume), i have forgotten the status of my own availbility. But seriously i am not sure what he wants either. When i told him that maybe it is time that we part our ways, he text me a few times later asking why i am already ignoring him. He was even trying to cheer me up by sending some stupid joke. The best part was when he came all the way to my office just to see my reaction to it and telling me that he was glad that he was able to put on a smile on my face! How can i resist that! I was so touched by that gesture! He always make me feel good... And last night... we did it again. Gosh! Tell me now how do i let this go?
I do not wish to compare but E*H has never made me that happy or even try to please me. To him, if he can't make me happy, he will not even try. Back then when we quarrelled, he always raise the issue of breaking up, or that i should look for other guys, etc, etc. But why didn't i let him go then. What was it that i fear of during those days. Y*I said maybe this is the age when i am not sure of what i want. Maybe when i reach 30 or above, it will be a better age to settle down. Does it mean that i am not mature still? Can i even go on with this marriage feeling not guilty and treating it as if nothing has ever happen? I can't even bring myself to face the in-laws, his mom especially. Oh my. I am really screwing up my life at the moment.
Y*I said i should allow him to enter so we can continue meeting. But i can't even allow myself be touched by him! That feeling of guilt which surrounds me whenever he wants to come close, its becoming a phobia! I can't go on anymore. I am going crazy. I am feeling so depressed now.
What is becoming of my life?
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