A new month is here. A new beginning? I am not sure...
What happened on 17 October may be a sign. Or a slight taste of 'punishment' for us? Is HE trying to tell us something. Worst things may happen. And this is only the beginning.
I am not sure what to do now. He claimed that this is more than infactuation, especially after the accident. I was speechless when he told me the first person he wanted to call right after the accident was me. And when his parents came to fetch him home, he felt like telling them about me. If nobody was home, i would have gone out to meet him the moment he called me. Sigh.
These few days, infact since 2 weeks ago, he has been sensitive about certain issues. He wants to have lunch just with me alone, although he knows that i usually goes out with the other two. And we sort of had a little quarrel yesterday because of this. I felt like he was 'testing' me. He said it is the time now that i make a decision. He not having his car happens for a reason. Just earlier, he text me mentioning that Nov will be a month to test my sincerity. What does that mean? Just because i am not meeting him tonight after his class? After we have met for the past 3 days?
I think i understand his feelings. If i am in his shoes, i would want to know whether this married person really likes me or am just using me. But how do i tell him how i really feels about him? As much as i want to be with like he wants to be with me, i am at loss. It is easier to say that i should ignore all the negative thoughts and what others might say about me. But the reality is that we are surrounded by these people almost every other day that it is damn tough to be ignorance. Sigh.
From the way i see it, L*L may already know what is going on but he just do not want to say it. I am really in need of talking to someone. But i know that nobody will agree of what i am doing right now. Everybody will say that this is the most stupid thing i ever done and that i should forget about it. One is out of his mind if they agree totally with what i am doing!! It is not as if the person i am married to is abusing me or something else. It is ME, the one who is ruining this marriage.
*He text me earlier today.
"Its about time that we have an open discussion about all disputes, expectations n the future of this marriage. It will not be in the long term interest for u, me n your parents if these drag on without a long term solution. But if u dun wish to talk with me anymore on anything, then i will not force u any further."
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