Today i feel like at the lowest point of depressing mode. My tears can't stop rolling every now and then. I can't stop feeling so sorry for myself. For all the sins i am doing, for all the bad deeds. I am not the same person i used to be.
Maybe what sis said is right. We should 'enjoy' life to the fullest before committing to something serious like marriage. Only when we experience most of it, we know the different type of people out there, how life is really like, what we really want to do and everything else may be fine. Take me as an example. I was quiet, reserved, don't dare to try new things, few friends, no life, no entertainment. Look what is happening to me now. I made the wrong move. I made so much mistakes now, i don't even know God will forgive me, or even me myself. I am clueless what to expect for my future, or what to expect the next few days. Everything seems hazy. Why can't i control what i am doing? I am so ashamed of myself.
I text *him this morning.
"Don't u thnk our marriage feels like nothin? It has been monotonous, more boring than the days before. We seldom communicate, even if we do it leads to an argument. We dun spend much time tgt. We r not like husband & wife at all. I didn't expect marriage life to be this way. I tot we will be closer but its e opposite."
"We'll talk abt this after hari raya. Living in your parents place is like a pressure cooker. Wait til we have our own house n have more freedom n be ourselves. The other thing is that there is no give n take between ourselves in many issues. Its very difficult for me to exercise authority over u when your parents are around. Likewise i dun like to please your parents artificially, but i am trying my best to follow their rentak. Sometimes your parents are being too nice until i am uncomfortable n i cannot be myself. I am neither an angel nor am i a devil."
"Sumtimes i dunno why i go ahead with tis marriage. I dunno why i am in it & if i want to be in it :("
"We'll talk abt tis after Hari Raya. Lately its difficult to be myself in the house. I hope your parents can see the pattern n know my likes n dislikes on certain things, even the nitty gritty. shld not enforce, force or expect too much on certain things especially when Hari Raya is concerned. But i'd rather keep it quiet."
"Can u stop talking abt my parents! Its not abt them. Its US!!! Can't u see. Why r u pushing e blame to others. I dun see there is any diff even if we move out bcos betwn US there is a prob!"
"Firstly u will always accuse me of having a say over everything and anything. Sometimes u forget that i do give in 2u on certain things. Secondly it is difficult to talk 2u once u throw your tantrum. It will take 1 to 3 days to clear. Thirdly, it seems i must follow your family rules for Hari Raya 100% every year? Fourthly whenever i want to talk about money, u r not happy. Fifth whenever i want to be intimate with u i have only 10% chance of success, its like i'm still single, wats the point of getting married? Sixth i am not happy with uor Saturdays being burned once we shift to the new house. Tats why i prefer reading tat lousy book every nite b4 i sleep."
"Do u want to know why i werk till late most of the time? Only then i wont think so much abt wat is happening. This is the biggest regret i ever have."
"If u want 2 make this marriage work, u should not always be sending smses to me complaing n saying tat i regret this, i regret tat, tis marriage is not working lah. I have the same sentiments as wat u have too. But i always see a positive side of it. See? Whenever i said my part i am always rebutted by u. Tats why i dun wish to bring tis up in the first place. When i told u wat i am tinking or feeling, u can't accept it even the smses say so. I'd rather be quiet n let u tink abt it. I dun wish to fight n hit by your tantrums when i voice out my concern. I'd rather pretend its not happening n pretend everything is fine. Silence is golden. I cant even exert a little authority on my wife, how am i able to discuss sensitive issues with u without the deadly tantrum? I just hate it ever since 2005. I hate it. I'd hate it tat i prefer to be quiet n shut my ....."
"I dun want to think abt it. I want to end it."
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