A new month is here. A new beginning? I am not sure...
What happened on 17 October may be a sign. Or a slight taste of 'punishment' for us? Is HE trying to tell us something. Worst things may happen. And this is only the beginning.
I am not sure what to do now. He claimed that this is more than infactuation, especially after the accident. I was speechless when he told me the first person he wanted to call right after the accident was me. And when his parents came to fetch him home, he felt like telling them about me. If nobody was home, i would have gone out to meet him the moment he called me. Sigh.
These few days, infact since 2 weeks ago, he has been sensitive about certain issues. He wants to have lunch just with me alone, although he knows that i usually goes out with the other two. And we sort of had a little quarrel yesterday because of this. I felt like he was 'testing' me. He said it is the time now that i make a decision. He not having his car happens for a reason. Just earlier, he text me mentioning that Nov will be a month to test my sincerity. What does that mean? Just because i am not meeting him tonight after his class? After we have met for the past 3 days?
I think i understand his feelings. If i am in his shoes, i would want to know whether this married person really likes me or am just using me. But how do i tell him how i really feels about him? As much as i want to be with like he wants to be with me, i am at loss. It is easier to say that i should ignore all the negative thoughts and what others might say about me. But the reality is that we are surrounded by these people almost every other day that it is damn tough to be ignorance. Sigh.
From the way i see it, L*L may already know what is going on but he just do not want to say it. I am really in need of talking to someone. But i know that nobody will agree of what i am doing right now. Everybody will say that this is the most stupid thing i ever done and that i should forget about it. One is out of his mind if they agree totally with what i am doing!! It is not as if the person i am married to is abusing me or something else. It is ME, the one who is ruining this marriage.
*He text me earlier today.
"Its about time that we have an open discussion about all disputes, expectations n the future of this marriage. It will not be in the long term interest for u, me n your parents if these drag on without a long term solution. But if u dun wish to talk with me anymore on anything, then i will not force u any further."
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Fate? (Posted on 27/10/2007)
We are meeting almost any other day this month. Not sure when it started but we are getting closer than before. He wants to meet me almost everyday, even during lunch. We spent time eating, exploring places i've never been to, just the two of us.
He seems not to care about what others might say about us. If possible, he wants E*M and L*L to know about us.
Earlier today was R*N solemnisation. When the kadi gave the same lecture he did for my wedding, i felt weird. Sad, regrets, dissapointed. 15 July appeared immediately to my mind. I am not sure which one is a mistake. To be married?
Sigh.
He seems not to care about what others might say about us. If possible, he wants E*M and L*L to know about us.
Earlier today was R*N solemnisation. When the kadi gave the same lecture he did for my wedding, i felt weird. Sad, regrets, dissapointed. 15 July appeared immediately to my mind. I am not sure which one is a mistake. To be married?
Sigh.
Can i be happy about this? (posted on 11/10/2007)
He waited for me last night while i did my hair. For 2 hours straight! No guy ever waited for me patiently that way. LoL. Although he did look slightly irritated. Hee hee.
Last night he told me about his family, his siblings in particular. He mentioned about having this relationship phobia. His elder brother just had a divorce. His wife left him for a better guy. And he is with another woman. His second brother is getting married soon. To a chinese divorcee. He joked about his siblings having this common trait. And if he is with me, its like all the same.
He said it is not because he do not want to be with me. Its because i have extra baggage tagging along such as the new house. The legal contract that i am binded to. His brother sold the house away because it is more than 5 years. Mine barely a month old.
My mom will like you, he said. He knows what his mom prefer. Said i should come over to his place on the 20th. Right! Once Ms. E*M blurt out that i am married, that will be the end of everything else. Nothing more to impress. Or if his mom questioned about my status, i will be gone for good. Sigh. If only i am single. If only, if only. Its all that i can say or think of.
My mom will definitely love him too. Everything else will be in place.
Its a weird feeling. We are getting closer by the day now...
Last night he told me about his family, his siblings in particular. He mentioned about having this relationship phobia. His elder brother just had a divorce. His wife left him for a better guy. And he is with another woman. His second brother is getting married soon. To a chinese divorcee. He joked about his siblings having this common trait. And if he is with me, its like all the same.
He said it is not because he do not want to be with me. Its because i have extra baggage tagging along such as the new house. The legal contract that i am binded to. His brother sold the house away because it is more than 5 years. Mine barely a month old.
My mom will like you, he said. He knows what his mom prefer. Said i should come over to his place on the 20th. Right! Once Ms. E*M blurt out that i am married, that will be the end of everything else. Nothing more to impress. Or if his mom questioned about my status, i will be gone for good. Sigh. If only i am single. If only, if only. Its all that i can say or think of.
My mom will definitely love him too. Everything else will be in place.
Its a weird feeling. We are getting closer by the day now...
My biggest regret. My biggest sin. (posted on 10/10/2007)
Today i feel like at the lowest point of depressing mode. My tears can't stop rolling every now and then. I can't stop feeling so sorry for myself. For all the sins i am doing, for all the bad deeds. I am not the same person i used to be.
Maybe what sis said is right. We should 'enjoy' life to the fullest before committing to something serious like marriage. Only when we experience most of it, we know the different type of people out there, how life is really like, what we really want to do and everything else may be fine. Take me as an example. I was quiet, reserved, don't dare to try new things, few friends, no life, no entertainment. Look what is happening to me now. I made the wrong move. I made so much mistakes now, i don't even know God will forgive me, or even me myself. I am clueless what to expect for my future, or what to expect the next few days. Everything seems hazy. Why can't i control what i am doing? I am so ashamed of myself.
I text *him this morning.
"Don't u thnk our marriage feels like nothin? It has been monotonous, more boring than the days before. We seldom communicate, even if we do it leads to an argument. We dun spend much time tgt. We r not like husband & wife at all. I didn't expect marriage life to be this way. I tot we will be closer but its e opposite."
"We'll talk abt this after hari raya. Living in your parents place is like a pressure cooker. Wait til we have our own house n have more freedom n be ourselves. The other thing is that there is no give n take between ourselves in many issues. Its very difficult for me to exercise authority over u when your parents are around. Likewise i dun like to please your parents artificially, but i am trying my best to follow their rentak. Sometimes your parents are being too nice until i am uncomfortable n i cannot be myself. I am neither an angel nor am i a devil."
"Sumtimes i dunno why i go ahead with tis marriage. I dunno why i am in it & if i want to be in it :("
"We'll talk abt tis after Hari Raya. Lately its difficult to be myself in the house. I hope your parents can see the pattern n know my likes n dislikes on certain things, even the nitty gritty. shld not enforce, force or expect too much on certain things especially when Hari Raya is concerned. But i'd rather keep it quiet."
"Can u stop talking abt my parents! Its not abt them. Its US!!! Can't u see. Why r u pushing e blame to others. I dun see there is any diff even if we move out bcos betwn US there is a prob!"
"Firstly u will always accuse me of having a say over everything and anything. Sometimes u forget that i do give in 2u on certain things. Secondly it is difficult to talk 2u once u throw your tantrum. It will take 1 to 3 days to clear. Thirdly, it seems i must follow your family rules for Hari Raya 100% every year? Fourthly whenever i want to talk about money, u r not happy. Fifth whenever i want to be intimate with u i have only 10% chance of success, its like i'm still single, wats the point of getting married? Sixth i am not happy with uor Saturdays being burned once we shift to the new house. Tats why i prefer reading tat lousy book every nite b4 i sleep."
"Do u want to know why i werk till late most of the time? Only then i wont think so much abt wat is happening. This is the biggest regret i ever have."
"If u want 2 make this marriage work, u should not always be sending smses to me complaing n saying tat i regret this, i regret tat, tis marriage is not working lah. I have the same sentiments as wat u have too. But i always see a positive side of it. See? Whenever i said my part i am always rebutted by u. Tats why i dun wish to bring tis up in the first place. When i told u wat i am tinking or feeling, u can't accept it even the smses say so. I'd rather be quiet n let u tink abt it. I dun wish to fight n hit by your tantrums when i voice out my concern. I'd rather pretend its not happening n pretend everything is fine. Silence is golden. I cant even exert a little authority on my wife, how am i able to discuss sensitive issues with u without the deadly tantrum? I just hate it ever since 2005. I hate it. I'd hate it tat i prefer to be quiet n shut my ....."
"I dun want to think abt it. I want to end it."
Maybe what sis said is right. We should 'enjoy' life to the fullest before committing to something serious like marriage. Only when we experience most of it, we know the different type of people out there, how life is really like, what we really want to do and everything else may be fine. Take me as an example. I was quiet, reserved, don't dare to try new things, few friends, no life, no entertainment. Look what is happening to me now. I made the wrong move. I made so much mistakes now, i don't even know God will forgive me, or even me myself. I am clueless what to expect for my future, or what to expect the next few days. Everything seems hazy. Why can't i control what i am doing? I am so ashamed of myself.
I text *him this morning.
"Don't u thnk our marriage feels like nothin? It has been monotonous, more boring than the days before. We seldom communicate, even if we do it leads to an argument. We dun spend much time tgt. We r not like husband & wife at all. I didn't expect marriage life to be this way. I tot we will be closer but its e opposite."
"We'll talk abt this after hari raya. Living in your parents place is like a pressure cooker. Wait til we have our own house n have more freedom n be ourselves. The other thing is that there is no give n take between ourselves in many issues. Its very difficult for me to exercise authority over u when your parents are around. Likewise i dun like to please your parents artificially, but i am trying my best to follow their rentak. Sometimes your parents are being too nice until i am uncomfortable n i cannot be myself. I am neither an angel nor am i a devil."
"Sumtimes i dunno why i go ahead with tis marriage. I dunno why i am in it & if i want to be in it :("
"We'll talk abt tis after Hari Raya. Lately its difficult to be myself in the house. I hope your parents can see the pattern n know my likes n dislikes on certain things, even the nitty gritty. shld not enforce, force or expect too much on certain things especially when Hari Raya is concerned. But i'd rather keep it quiet."
"Can u stop talking abt my parents! Its not abt them. Its US!!! Can't u see. Why r u pushing e blame to others. I dun see there is any diff even if we move out bcos betwn US there is a prob!"
"Firstly u will always accuse me of having a say over everything and anything. Sometimes u forget that i do give in 2u on certain things. Secondly it is difficult to talk 2u once u throw your tantrum. It will take 1 to 3 days to clear. Thirdly, it seems i must follow your family rules for Hari Raya 100% every year? Fourthly whenever i want to talk about money, u r not happy. Fifth whenever i want to be intimate with u i have only 10% chance of success, its like i'm still single, wats the point of getting married? Sixth i am not happy with uor Saturdays being burned once we shift to the new house. Tats why i prefer reading tat lousy book every nite b4 i sleep."
"Do u want to know why i werk till late most of the time? Only then i wont think so much abt wat is happening. This is the biggest regret i ever have."
"If u want 2 make this marriage work, u should not always be sending smses to me complaing n saying tat i regret this, i regret tat, tis marriage is not working lah. I have the same sentiments as wat u have too. But i always see a positive side of it. See? Whenever i said my part i am always rebutted by u. Tats why i dun wish to bring tis up in the first place. When i told u wat i am tinking or feeling, u can't accept it even the smses say so. I'd rather be quiet n let u tink abt it. I dun wish to fight n hit by your tantrums when i voice out my concern. I'd rather pretend its not happening n pretend everything is fine. Silence is golden. I cant even exert a little authority on my wife, how am i able to discuss sensitive issues with u without the deadly tantrum? I just hate it ever since 2005. I hate it. I'd hate it tat i prefer to be quiet n shut my ....."
"I dun want to think abt it. I want to end it."
Sunday, November 11, 2012
I am not the same person anymore. (posted on 10/10/2007)
I am crazy to even think about it. But i went to the website to take a look at a divorce proceedings. It is not easy. There are so many things to be done and steps to go through. And in the first place, a wife cannot ask for a divorce without a valid reason. Apart from all these, the way the society, friends and relatives look at the person will be different.Just imagine if i ask for one. I have to leave my workplace. All the better, i have to leave this country! All to avoid the embarrasment it will cause to my family, *his family, me and *him. Sigh. This is out of the question. The proceeding itself take months, sometime even years to be done. What will happen after that. What if his feelings toward me change and he find it useless to be with me? Sigh. I cannot imagine that.
Omg! What am i doing to my life? Why did i get married in the first place then? Didn't i have the brain to think whether i really wanted to be with him? What was my heart telling me then? Why am i behaving this way? Wasn't he my choice? Despite the 'intervention' my relatives had just a day after my engagement and despite all the doubts i had towards the marriage before, i still go on with it. Who is to blame then? Who else but me! Remembering those days, relatives, my dad, most had doubts about *him. He do not mix with relatives, he do not know how to impress the elderly, he do not like to go out in the crowd, we do not spend time like other couples do, we are practically together in the name of law but all these are not what i expected. What was i expecting him to do then? I expect him to change??? That is like so totally out of the way.
Sigh. Now looking back during the dating days, why did i just go on with the relationship? *He is still the way he used to be. I am the one who is changing. Just because i met someone who have the qualities that i like, who appreciates who i am, who wants to spend time with me all the time, whom i feel i can confide with, whom i share my jokes with, who listens when i was talking, who makes me smile all the time, whose laughter tickles me, who loves to talk to me, who shares what he did for the day with me, bother to help me when i am in need...
Just because i met *him, my life practically change.
My mind change. My heart change.
How long will this last?
"I'm in love with somebody's wife." (posted on 09/10/2007)
For the first time, i heard him say these exact words.
These few days he says stuff i don't expect he will say. Like "Are you coming to my place? To meet your future mother-in-law." And he will ask me questions like "What are you going to do baby?"
We spent the evening together again today. He said that we are left with one more month before i move out and start living the reality.
But i guess he is in doubt as well. Cos later he said things like "Are you going to re-marry after the divorce?" "What are you going to do after that?" "Have to wait 5 years before you can re-marry right?"
If i am single, i think he will have brought me home to introduce to his family. And i will do the same too. My mom would love him. He is like the ideal one. Is it because he remind me so much of F*Z that it makes me feel so comfortable being by his side? Its like being in the memory lane. Sigh. I just don't know what to do. He kept asking what will i do and that kept me speechless several times earlier today. "If i am not okay, what are you going to do?"
I spend more time with him than with *him. We communicate more than me and *him. We do all the things a couple does. More like a husband and wife than the actual *husband and wife. Sigh. What is going to happen to me? to him? & *him?
Will we ever be together for real? Seriously?
Can we? please?
These few days he says stuff i don't expect he will say. Like "Are you coming to my place? To meet your future mother-in-law." And he will ask me questions like "What are you going to do baby?"
We spent the evening together again today. He said that we are left with one more month before i move out and start living the reality.
But i guess he is in doubt as well. Cos later he said things like "Are you going to re-marry after the divorce?" "What are you going to do after that?" "Have to wait 5 years before you can re-marry right?"
If i am single, i think he will have brought me home to introduce to his family. And i will do the same too. My mom would love him. He is like the ideal one. Is it because he remind me so much of F*Z that it makes me feel so comfortable being by his side? Its like being in the memory lane. Sigh. I just don't know what to do. He kept asking what will i do and that kept me speechless several times earlier today. "If i am not okay, what are you going to do?"
I spend more time with him than with *him. We communicate more than me and *him. We do all the things a couple does. More like a husband and wife than the actual *husband and wife. Sigh. What is going to happen to me? to him? & *him?
Will we ever be together for real? Seriously?
Can we? please?
My chinese horoscope for the day (posted on 08/10/2007)
"Pleasant interactions with your romantic or marriage partner helps strengthen bonds of affection at this time. You may be doing a lot of thinking about your relationship and may even feel inclined to discuss issues of commitment, loyalty, and trustworthiness with your mate."This horoscope is so true... We talked about stuff that we don't usually 'dare' to talk about just now. Its like we are becoming so close and comfortable with each other that we don't care what is going on around us or who may be around to see us. When i asked him what if his family sees him with me, he said "its okay, they don't know wat. They want me to find someone fair-looking." Sigh. If only i am still single. Dreams can only be dreams huh?
Husband and wife? (posted on 07/10/2007)
Yey! My laptop is finally upgraded to 2 gb ram! All with the help of my budak kecik. Hee hee.He helped to find out the type and we went to buy it together yesterday. But the most suprising thing was he paid for the other 1gb ram! I thought i just wanted to buy 1gb only and so i withdrew money just nice for it. But he actually asked for 2 of it! Gosh! Till now i still feel paiseh that he paid for it. He insisted not taking the remaining money from me.We went to newton for dinner. At least i can pay for this. After that 140 bucks he came out with! He told me to try something new. Guess what? Boiled snail!! LoL. Initially when he told me the name of this dish, i thought it was just a joke. Sounds like dogs meat. Haha. But well, it does taste good. Just like cockles. He was so sweet, taking for me food, taking out the snail meat for me. Sigh. He is just like a husband to me. Even the real one i have don't do all that to me. He don't like to try new things, not as sweet as him, don't like to go out just to shop around with me. Sigh. This guy is just like my dream guy! Well, i guess he can only be in my dreams right?He said it twice "we are like husband and wife." I felt the same way too. If only we really are. I know marriage and dating are two different issues. But he is like the ideal one. Sigh. When i looked at his face last night as he was sleeping soundly on my lap, i just wish that he is mine for real. We just suit each other so well. We sort of spent the night together. He was so tired, he snored... Hee hee. I dozed off awhile. When i woke up, it was closed to 1a.m! I wish i can spent the entire night with him, but i knew it will invite trouble. I had to wake him up. He looked so sleepy when he drove, i was worried for him. But 20 mins later when he text me, i was glad that he got home safely.i just fear for one thing. Well, you know what i am worried for blog. Twice he did not let it go inside me. But i am just worried for the first two. I will be in deep trouble if i am having it again. When he did not come in, i was touched. He do not force me if i do not want it. After all the bad predictions about him, maybe he is not that bad at all. Well, i know good guys do not disturb other people marriages... but if he is not serious about me, he may not be doing what he is doing, maybe he will just make use of me. Or maybe he will just have left when he found out about the pregnancy. Sigh. I dunno lar. I can't do anything about this whole situation and somehow i am wishing i can. I really want to be with him...I love the way he touches me, the way he held my hand so strong, the addictive kisses, the smell of his hair and body, i want to love everything about him...Sigh.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Is it for real?
If only i am still single. He will be 'almost-the-perfect' one for me.Sigh.He called me every now and then daily. And we are going to public places for dinner, shopping, you name it, we are just like other normal couples out there...Monday, we had dinner together and spent sometime together at SC. Tonight i will be meeting him again at JP.Sigh, my mom would love him too.Maybe its the thrill of dating. Maybe he really likes me. Me? I am crazy about him....And I... am CRAZY to be feeling this way.SIGH!
Am i a bad girl? (posted on 30/09/2007)
This week seems different. I thought he was avoiding me on Monday. Apparently he was busy with work. Tuesday he came over for awhile just to see me. That was sweet. Wednesday to Thursday i did not see him the whole day long. Come Friday i went over to his office to take a look at his new creation.And yesterday we actually spent time together almost the entire noon till late night. Was seriously spending the day together. It felt different. It was more relaxed compared to the first 'date' at VC. Maybe GW seems not so crowded. Not much shops anyway. Most of all, chances of bumping into someone we know may be at a very low percentage. But we never know how low this is!Prior to this "date", we questioned each other like we normally do. During the initial week, i thought he was withdrawing himself slowly from us. He seldom text me those few days, especially Monday. I was feeling down that one whole day. When he came over on Tuesday, i felt slightly better. Especially when he text me that morning, it put a smile on my face immediately! We met awhile in the library that same day, i guess just to spend time together. These are the feelings that i can't put away. I guess these are the little things that make it difficult for me to be angry with myself or even him for this entire affair. When i asked him if we are slowly not meeting each other anymore, he questioned me "Why?". And when i replied that it feels like we were doing so, he said "No it is because that you always left work early."
When i told him about J*, the lecturer, who thought we are together, he seems happy about it. He told me to play along and that maybe J* thinks we are compatible. Hahaha. But Ms. E*M spoil it all when she said "Don't you know that she is married???" Maybe she was jealous? Hee hee. Ooopps.
I was trying to adapt to the situation that mid-week when i told myself that i should let it be and not pursue this issue anymore. But came all the sms-es that same time, i changed my mind again. Sigh.
And on Friday, when i was feeling down after the 'heated-up' meeting with that KL, i received his text, asking me to give him a call. It was like so coincidence. Here i was feeling upset, and suddenly he 'appeared' wanting to talk to me. It felt great afterwards, after all the 'released' frustrations. He joked about him being my "pillow" - a punching bag. He even added this text (cik ct bad mood cat) in BB. Haha.
He's a real best friend and great lover indeed. I'm so gonna miss him one day. Sigh.
That same Friday night, he text me asking the same question "Are you married?" He said i don't look married when he saw me during the day. I looked like a sweet unmarried girl. :-( The matters at home doesn't help the situation i am in. We are quarrelling every other day. There is always something that we don't seem to agree on and it will to lead to silent treatmeant for the next few days . This make the whole thing worst. I will tend to approach Y*I for comfort after all that. When i told him about this, he just replied with a sad icon. But when i apologised to him, that i should not be bothering him with all my personal stuff.
His reply: Its ok, with u i make better decisions, like that shadow font. haha.
Are we meant for each other? Will we be together one day? Sigh.
When i told him about J*, the lecturer, who thought we are together, he seems happy about it. He told me to play along and that maybe J* thinks we are compatible. Hahaha. But Ms. E*M spoil it all when she said "Don't you know that she is married???" Maybe she was jealous? Hee hee. Ooopps.
I was trying to adapt to the situation that mid-week when i told myself that i should let it be and not pursue this issue anymore. But came all the sms-es that same time, i changed my mind again. Sigh.
And on Friday, when i was feeling down after the 'heated-up' meeting with that KL, i received his text, asking me to give him a call. It was like so coincidence. Here i was feeling upset, and suddenly he 'appeared' wanting to talk to me. It felt great afterwards, after all the 'released' frustrations. He joked about him being my "pillow" - a punching bag. He even added this text (cik ct bad mood cat) in BB. Haha.
He's a real best friend and great lover indeed. I'm so gonna miss him one day. Sigh.
That same Friday night, he text me asking the same question "Are you married?" He said i don't look married when he saw me during the day. I looked like a sweet unmarried girl. :-( The matters at home doesn't help the situation i am in. We are quarrelling every other day. There is always something that we don't seem to agree on and it will to lead to silent treatmeant for the next few days . This make the whole thing worst. I will tend to approach Y*I for comfort after all that. When i told him about this, he just replied with a sad icon. But when i apologised to him, that i should not be bothering him with all my personal stuff.
His reply: Its ok, with u i make better decisions, like that shadow font. haha.
Are we meant for each other? Will we be together one day? Sigh.
Last night, he asked me if i was forced into this marriage. He gave himself as an example where he was told to do something he do not like. He ended up quitting, doing something that he has passion in and it feels different even though the organisation sux. Its because he wants to do it. I can't answer his question. I was speechless. Am i forced? Wasn't this marriage solely my choice? And with the new house coming, he asked me wouldn't it make everything complicated if i end it. Again, i am not sure what to answer. I rather end my current status if i have a choive. I just can't go on everyday and pretend that everything is okay. I'm such a cheater and hypocrite. Plus its not fair for E*H. But how do i end it??? I am not that brave to do so. I am not living in this world alone. It involves my parents' dignity and pride. I really have no choice, do i?
When James blunt song "Goodbye my lover" was on the radio, he said maybe i should sing this song to him next June when he leaves the workplace for good. Does that mean that everything will end the moment he leaves? Then he asked me what happens then if he still work then the next 10 years? I answered maybe i should leave first then. He told me not to. Sigh.
Apart from all these, it is just one thing that i fear. That i may get preggie again. I think we should not meet for awhile till my body gets back to "normal". Once was enough. I really do not want it to happen again. Not in this messy situation. I do not want it to affect the child's future. But can i resist the temptation not meeting him. LoL! I am really crazy! Arggghhh!
E*H is going for a medical check this Wednesday. He mentioned that it got to do something with his head. I hope everything goes well. After all, he is my hubby and i do not wish for anything bad to happen to him. It will be my biggest regret should anything happen to him when i have not seek any forgiveness from him
Just one question -who am i in love with now?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)