A new month is here. A new beginning? I am not sure...
What happened on 17 October may be a sign. Or a slight taste of 'punishment' for us? Is HE trying to tell us something. Worst things may happen. And this is only the beginning.
I am not sure what to do now. He claimed that this is more than infactuation, especially after the accident. I was speechless when he told me the first person he wanted to call right after the accident was me. And when his parents came to fetch him home, he felt like telling them about me. If nobody was home, i would have gone out to meet him the moment he called me. Sigh.
These few days, infact since 2 weeks ago, he has been sensitive about certain issues. He wants to have lunch just with me alone, although he knows that i usually goes out with the other two. And we sort of had a little quarrel yesterday because of this. I felt like he was 'testing' me. He said it is the time now that i make a decision. He not having his car happens for a reason. Just earlier, he text me mentioning that Nov will be a month to test my sincerity. What does that mean? Just because i am not meeting him tonight after his class? After we have met for the past 3 days?
I think i understand his feelings. If i am in his shoes, i would want to know whether this married person really likes me or am just using me. But how do i tell him how i really feels about him? As much as i want to be with like he wants to be with me, i am at loss. It is easier to say that i should ignore all the negative thoughts and what others might say about me. But the reality is that we are surrounded by these people almost every other day that it is damn tough to be ignorance. Sigh.
From the way i see it, L*L may already know what is going on but he just do not want to say it. I am really in need of talking to someone. But i know that nobody will agree of what i am doing right now. Everybody will say that this is the most stupid thing i ever done and that i should forget about it. One is out of his mind if they agree totally with what i am doing!! It is not as if the person i am married to is abusing me or something else. It is ME, the one who is ruining this marriage.
*He text me earlier today.
"Its about time that we have an open discussion about all disputes, expectations n the future of this marriage. It will not be in the long term interest for u, me n your parents if these drag on without a long term solution. But if u dun wish to talk with me anymore on anything, then i will not force u any further."
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Fate? (Posted on 27/10/2007)
We are meeting almost any other day this month. Not sure when it started but we are getting closer than before. He wants to meet me almost everyday, even during lunch. We spent time eating, exploring places i've never been to, just the two of us.
He seems not to care about what others might say about us. If possible, he wants E*M and L*L to know about us.
Earlier today was R*N solemnisation. When the kadi gave the same lecture he did for my wedding, i felt weird. Sad, regrets, dissapointed. 15 July appeared immediately to my mind. I am not sure which one is a mistake. To be married?
Sigh.
He seems not to care about what others might say about us. If possible, he wants E*M and L*L to know about us.
Earlier today was R*N solemnisation. When the kadi gave the same lecture he did for my wedding, i felt weird. Sad, regrets, dissapointed. 15 July appeared immediately to my mind. I am not sure which one is a mistake. To be married?
Sigh.
Can i be happy about this? (posted on 11/10/2007)
He waited for me last night while i did my hair. For 2 hours straight! No guy ever waited for me patiently that way. LoL. Although he did look slightly irritated. Hee hee.
Last night he told me about his family, his siblings in particular. He mentioned about having this relationship phobia. His elder brother just had a divorce. His wife left him for a better guy. And he is with another woman. His second brother is getting married soon. To a chinese divorcee. He joked about his siblings having this common trait. And if he is with me, its like all the same.
He said it is not because he do not want to be with me. Its because i have extra baggage tagging along such as the new house. The legal contract that i am binded to. His brother sold the house away because it is more than 5 years. Mine barely a month old.
My mom will like you, he said. He knows what his mom prefer. Said i should come over to his place on the 20th. Right! Once Ms. E*M blurt out that i am married, that will be the end of everything else. Nothing more to impress. Or if his mom questioned about my status, i will be gone for good. Sigh. If only i am single. If only, if only. Its all that i can say or think of.
My mom will definitely love him too. Everything else will be in place.
Its a weird feeling. We are getting closer by the day now...
Last night he told me about his family, his siblings in particular. He mentioned about having this relationship phobia. His elder brother just had a divorce. His wife left him for a better guy. And he is with another woman. His second brother is getting married soon. To a chinese divorcee. He joked about his siblings having this common trait. And if he is with me, its like all the same.
He said it is not because he do not want to be with me. Its because i have extra baggage tagging along such as the new house. The legal contract that i am binded to. His brother sold the house away because it is more than 5 years. Mine barely a month old.
My mom will like you, he said. He knows what his mom prefer. Said i should come over to his place on the 20th. Right! Once Ms. E*M blurt out that i am married, that will be the end of everything else. Nothing more to impress. Or if his mom questioned about my status, i will be gone for good. Sigh. If only i am single. If only, if only. Its all that i can say or think of.
My mom will definitely love him too. Everything else will be in place.
Its a weird feeling. We are getting closer by the day now...
My biggest regret. My biggest sin. (posted on 10/10/2007)
Today i feel like at the lowest point of depressing mode. My tears can't stop rolling every now and then. I can't stop feeling so sorry for myself. For all the sins i am doing, for all the bad deeds. I am not the same person i used to be.
Maybe what sis said is right. We should 'enjoy' life to the fullest before committing to something serious like marriage. Only when we experience most of it, we know the different type of people out there, how life is really like, what we really want to do and everything else may be fine. Take me as an example. I was quiet, reserved, don't dare to try new things, few friends, no life, no entertainment. Look what is happening to me now. I made the wrong move. I made so much mistakes now, i don't even know God will forgive me, or even me myself. I am clueless what to expect for my future, or what to expect the next few days. Everything seems hazy. Why can't i control what i am doing? I am so ashamed of myself.
I text *him this morning.
"Don't u thnk our marriage feels like nothin? It has been monotonous, more boring than the days before. We seldom communicate, even if we do it leads to an argument. We dun spend much time tgt. We r not like husband & wife at all. I didn't expect marriage life to be this way. I tot we will be closer but its e opposite."
"We'll talk abt this after hari raya. Living in your parents place is like a pressure cooker. Wait til we have our own house n have more freedom n be ourselves. The other thing is that there is no give n take between ourselves in many issues. Its very difficult for me to exercise authority over u when your parents are around. Likewise i dun like to please your parents artificially, but i am trying my best to follow their rentak. Sometimes your parents are being too nice until i am uncomfortable n i cannot be myself. I am neither an angel nor am i a devil."
"Sumtimes i dunno why i go ahead with tis marriage. I dunno why i am in it & if i want to be in it :("
"We'll talk abt tis after Hari Raya. Lately its difficult to be myself in the house. I hope your parents can see the pattern n know my likes n dislikes on certain things, even the nitty gritty. shld not enforce, force or expect too much on certain things especially when Hari Raya is concerned. But i'd rather keep it quiet."
"Can u stop talking abt my parents! Its not abt them. Its US!!! Can't u see. Why r u pushing e blame to others. I dun see there is any diff even if we move out bcos betwn US there is a prob!"
"Firstly u will always accuse me of having a say over everything and anything. Sometimes u forget that i do give in 2u on certain things. Secondly it is difficult to talk 2u once u throw your tantrum. It will take 1 to 3 days to clear. Thirdly, it seems i must follow your family rules for Hari Raya 100% every year? Fourthly whenever i want to talk about money, u r not happy. Fifth whenever i want to be intimate with u i have only 10% chance of success, its like i'm still single, wats the point of getting married? Sixth i am not happy with uor Saturdays being burned once we shift to the new house. Tats why i prefer reading tat lousy book every nite b4 i sleep."
"Do u want to know why i werk till late most of the time? Only then i wont think so much abt wat is happening. This is the biggest regret i ever have."
"If u want 2 make this marriage work, u should not always be sending smses to me complaing n saying tat i regret this, i regret tat, tis marriage is not working lah. I have the same sentiments as wat u have too. But i always see a positive side of it. See? Whenever i said my part i am always rebutted by u. Tats why i dun wish to bring tis up in the first place. When i told u wat i am tinking or feeling, u can't accept it even the smses say so. I'd rather be quiet n let u tink abt it. I dun wish to fight n hit by your tantrums when i voice out my concern. I'd rather pretend its not happening n pretend everything is fine. Silence is golden. I cant even exert a little authority on my wife, how am i able to discuss sensitive issues with u without the deadly tantrum? I just hate it ever since 2005. I hate it. I'd hate it tat i prefer to be quiet n shut my ....."
"I dun want to think abt it. I want to end it."
Maybe what sis said is right. We should 'enjoy' life to the fullest before committing to something serious like marriage. Only when we experience most of it, we know the different type of people out there, how life is really like, what we really want to do and everything else may be fine. Take me as an example. I was quiet, reserved, don't dare to try new things, few friends, no life, no entertainment. Look what is happening to me now. I made the wrong move. I made so much mistakes now, i don't even know God will forgive me, or even me myself. I am clueless what to expect for my future, or what to expect the next few days. Everything seems hazy. Why can't i control what i am doing? I am so ashamed of myself.
I text *him this morning.
"Don't u thnk our marriage feels like nothin? It has been monotonous, more boring than the days before. We seldom communicate, even if we do it leads to an argument. We dun spend much time tgt. We r not like husband & wife at all. I didn't expect marriage life to be this way. I tot we will be closer but its e opposite."
"We'll talk abt this after hari raya. Living in your parents place is like a pressure cooker. Wait til we have our own house n have more freedom n be ourselves. The other thing is that there is no give n take between ourselves in many issues. Its very difficult for me to exercise authority over u when your parents are around. Likewise i dun like to please your parents artificially, but i am trying my best to follow their rentak. Sometimes your parents are being too nice until i am uncomfortable n i cannot be myself. I am neither an angel nor am i a devil."
"Sumtimes i dunno why i go ahead with tis marriage. I dunno why i am in it & if i want to be in it :("
"We'll talk abt tis after Hari Raya. Lately its difficult to be myself in the house. I hope your parents can see the pattern n know my likes n dislikes on certain things, even the nitty gritty. shld not enforce, force or expect too much on certain things especially when Hari Raya is concerned. But i'd rather keep it quiet."
"Can u stop talking abt my parents! Its not abt them. Its US!!! Can't u see. Why r u pushing e blame to others. I dun see there is any diff even if we move out bcos betwn US there is a prob!"
"Firstly u will always accuse me of having a say over everything and anything. Sometimes u forget that i do give in 2u on certain things. Secondly it is difficult to talk 2u once u throw your tantrum. It will take 1 to 3 days to clear. Thirdly, it seems i must follow your family rules for Hari Raya 100% every year? Fourthly whenever i want to talk about money, u r not happy. Fifth whenever i want to be intimate with u i have only 10% chance of success, its like i'm still single, wats the point of getting married? Sixth i am not happy with uor Saturdays being burned once we shift to the new house. Tats why i prefer reading tat lousy book every nite b4 i sleep."
"Do u want to know why i werk till late most of the time? Only then i wont think so much abt wat is happening. This is the biggest regret i ever have."
"If u want 2 make this marriage work, u should not always be sending smses to me complaing n saying tat i regret this, i regret tat, tis marriage is not working lah. I have the same sentiments as wat u have too. But i always see a positive side of it. See? Whenever i said my part i am always rebutted by u. Tats why i dun wish to bring tis up in the first place. When i told u wat i am tinking or feeling, u can't accept it even the smses say so. I'd rather be quiet n let u tink abt it. I dun wish to fight n hit by your tantrums when i voice out my concern. I'd rather pretend its not happening n pretend everything is fine. Silence is golden. I cant even exert a little authority on my wife, how am i able to discuss sensitive issues with u without the deadly tantrum? I just hate it ever since 2005. I hate it. I'd hate it tat i prefer to be quiet n shut my ....."
"I dun want to think abt it. I want to end it."
Sunday, November 11, 2012
I am not the same person anymore. (posted on 10/10/2007)
I am crazy to even think about it. But i went to the website to take a look at a divorce proceedings. It is not easy. There are so many things to be done and steps to go through. And in the first place, a wife cannot ask for a divorce without a valid reason. Apart from all these, the way the society, friends and relatives look at the person will be different.Just imagine if i ask for one. I have to leave my workplace. All the better, i have to leave this country! All to avoid the embarrasment it will cause to my family, *his family, me and *him. Sigh. This is out of the question. The proceeding itself take months, sometime even years to be done. What will happen after that. What if his feelings toward me change and he find it useless to be with me? Sigh. I cannot imagine that.
Omg! What am i doing to my life? Why did i get married in the first place then? Didn't i have the brain to think whether i really wanted to be with him? What was my heart telling me then? Why am i behaving this way? Wasn't he my choice? Despite the 'intervention' my relatives had just a day after my engagement and despite all the doubts i had towards the marriage before, i still go on with it. Who is to blame then? Who else but me! Remembering those days, relatives, my dad, most had doubts about *him. He do not mix with relatives, he do not know how to impress the elderly, he do not like to go out in the crowd, we do not spend time like other couples do, we are practically together in the name of law but all these are not what i expected. What was i expecting him to do then? I expect him to change??? That is like so totally out of the way.
Sigh. Now looking back during the dating days, why did i just go on with the relationship? *He is still the way he used to be. I am the one who is changing. Just because i met someone who have the qualities that i like, who appreciates who i am, who wants to spend time with me all the time, whom i feel i can confide with, whom i share my jokes with, who listens when i was talking, who makes me smile all the time, whose laughter tickles me, who loves to talk to me, who shares what he did for the day with me, bother to help me when i am in need...
Just because i met *him, my life practically change.
My mind change. My heart change.
How long will this last?
"I'm in love with somebody's wife." (posted on 09/10/2007)
For the first time, i heard him say these exact words.
These few days he says stuff i don't expect he will say. Like "Are you coming to my place? To meet your future mother-in-law." And he will ask me questions like "What are you going to do baby?"
We spent the evening together again today. He said that we are left with one more month before i move out and start living the reality.
But i guess he is in doubt as well. Cos later he said things like "Are you going to re-marry after the divorce?" "What are you going to do after that?" "Have to wait 5 years before you can re-marry right?"
If i am single, i think he will have brought me home to introduce to his family. And i will do the same too. My mom would love him. He is like the ideal one. Is it because he remind me so much of F*Z that it makes me feel so comfortable being by his side? Its like being in the memory lane. Sigh. I just don't know what to do. He kept asking what will i do and that kept me speechless several times earlier today. "If i am not okay, what are you going to do?"
I spend more time with him than with *him. We communicate more than me and *him. We do all the things a couple does. More like a husband and wife than the actual *husband and wife. Sigh. What is going to happen to me? to him? & *him?
Will we ever be together for real? Seriously?
Can we? please?
These few days he says stuff i don't expect he will say. Like "Are you coming to my place? To meet your future mother-in-law." And he will ask me questions like "What are you going to do baby?"
We spent the evening together again today. He said that we are left with one more month before i move out and start living the reality.
But i guess he is in doubt as well. Cos later he said things like "Are you going to re-marry after the divorce?" "What are you going to do after that?" "Have to wait 5 years before you can re-marry right?"
If i am single, i think he will have brought me home to introduce to his family. And i will do the same too. My mom would love him. He is like the ideal one. Is it because he remind me so much of F*Z that it makes me feel so comfortable being by his side? Its like being in the memory lane. Sigh. I just don't know what to do. He kept asking what will i do and that kept me speechless several times earlier today. "If i am not okay, what are you going to do?"
I spend more time with him than with *him. We communicate more than me and *him. We do all the things a couple does. More like a husband and wife than the actual *husband and wife. Sigh. What is going to happen to me? to him? & *him?
Will we ever be together for real? Seriously?
Can we? please?
My chinese horoscope for the day (posted on 08/10/2007)
"Pleasant interactions with your romantic or marriage partner helps strengthen bonds of affection at this time. You may be doing a lot of thinking about your relationship and may even feel inclined to discuss issues of commitment, loyalty, and trustworthiness with your mate."This horoscope is so true... We talked about stuff that we don't usually 'dare' to talk about just now. Its like we are becoming so close and comfortable with each other that we don't care what is going on around us or who may be around to see us. When i asked him what if his family sees him with me, he said "its okay, they don't know wat. They want me to find someone fair-looking." Sigh. If only i am still single. Dreams can only be dreams huh?
Husband and wife? (posted on 07/10/2007)
Yey! My laptop is finally upgraded to 2 gb ram! All with the help of my budak kecik. Hee hee.He helped to find out the type and we went to buy it together yesterday. But the most suprising thing was he paid for the other 1gb ram! I thought i just wanted to buy 1gb only and so i withdrew money just nice for it. But he actually asked for 2 of it! Gosh! Till now i still feel paiseh that he paid for it. He insisted not taking the remaining money from me.We went to newton for dinner. At least i can pay for this. After that 140 bucks he came out with! He told me to try something new. Guess what? Boiled snail!! LoL. Initially when he told me the name of this dish, i thought it was just a joke. Sounds like dogs meat. Haha. But well, it does taste good. Just like cockles. He was so sweet, taking for me food, taking out the snail meat for me. Sigh. He is just like a husband to me. Even the real one i have don't do all that to me. He don't like to try new things, not as sweet as him, don't like to go out just to shop around with me. Sigh. This guy is just like my dream guy! Well, i guess he can only be in my dreams right?He said it twice "we are like husband and wife." I felt the same way too. If only we really are. I know marriage and dating are two different issues. But he is like the ideal one. Sigh. When i looked at his face last night as he was sleeping soundly on my lap, i just wish that he is mine for real. We just suit each other so well. We sort of spent the night together. He was so tired, he snored... Hee hee. I dozed off awhile. When i woke up, it was closed to 1a.m! I wish i can spent the entire night with him, but i knew it will invite trouble. I had to wake him up. He looked so sleepy when he drove, i was worried for him. But 20 mins later when he text me, i was glad that he got home safely.i just fear for one thing. Well, you know what i am worried for blog. Twice he did not let it go inside me. But i am just worried for the first two. I will be in deep trouble if i am having it again. When he did not come in, i was touched. He do not force me if i do not want it. After all the bad predictions about him, maybe he is not that bad at all. Well, i know good guys do not disturb other people marriages... but if he is not serious about me, he may not be doing what he is doing, maybe he will just make use of me. Or maybe he will just have left when he found out about the pregnancy. Sigh. I dunno lar. I can't do anything about this whole situation and somehow i am wishing i can. I really want to be with him...I love the way he touches me, the way he held my hand so strong, the addictive kisses, the smell of his hair and body, i want to love everything about him...Sigh.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Is it for real?
If only i am still single. He will be 'almost-the-perfect' one for me.Sigh.He called me every now and then daily. And we are going to public places for dinner, shopping, you name it, we are just like other normal couples out there...Monday, we had dinner together and spent sometime together at SC. Tonight i will be meeting him again at JP.Sigh, my mom would love him too.Maybe its the thrill of dating. Maybe he really likes me. Me? I am crazy about him....And I... am CRAZY to be feeling this way.SIGH!
Am i a bad girl? (posted on 30/09/2007)
This week seems different. I thought he was avoiding me on Monday. Apparently he was busy with work. Tuesday he came over for awhile just to see me. That was sweet. Wednesday to Thursday i did not see him the whole day long. Come Friday i went over to his office to take a look at his new creation.And yesterday we actually spent time together almost the entire noon till late night. Was seriously spending the day together. It felt different. It was more relaxed compared to the first 'date' at VC. Maybe GW seems not so crowded. Not much shops anyway. Most of all, chances of bumping into someone we know may be at a very low percentage. But we never know how low this is!Prior to this "date", we questioned each other like we normally do. During the initial week, i thought he was withdrawing himself slowly from us. He seldom text me those few days, especially Monday. I was feeling down that one whole day. When he came over on Tuesday, i felt slightly better. Especially when he text me that morning, it put a smile on my face immediately! We met awhile in the library that same day, i guess just to spend time together. These are the feelings that i can't put away. I guess these are the little things that make it difficult for me to be angry with myself or even him for this entire affair. When i asked him if we are slowly not meeting each other anymore, he questioned me "Why?". And when i replied that it feels like we were doing so, he said "No it is because that you always left work early."
When i told him about J*, the lecturer, who thought we are together, he seems happy about it. He told me to play along and that maybe J* thinks we are compatible. Hahaha. But Ms. E*M spoil it all when she said "Don't you know that she is married???" Maybe she was jealous? Hee hee. Ooopps.
I was trying to adapt to the situation that mid-week when i told myself that i should let it be and not pursue this issue anymore. But came all the sms-es that same time, i changed my mind again. Sigh.
And on Friday, when i was feeling down after the 'heated-up' meeting with that KL, i received his text, asking me to give him a call. It was like so coincidence. Here i was feeling upset, and suddenly he 'appeared' wanting to talk to me. It felt great afterwards, after all the 'released' frustrations. He joked about him being my "pillow" - a punching bag. He even added this text (cik ct bad mood cat) in BB. Haha.
He's a real best friend and great lover indeed. I'm so gonna miss him one day. Sigh.
That same Friday night, he text me asking the same question "Are you married?" He said i don't look married when he saw me during the day. I looked like a sweet unmarried girl. :-( The matters at home doesn't help the situation i am in. We are quarrelling every other day. There is always something that we don't seem to agree on and it will to lead to silent treatmeant for the next few days . This make the whole thing worst. I will tend to approach Y*I for comfort after all that. When i told him about this, he just replied with a sad icon. But when i apologised to him, that i should not be bothering him with all my personal stuff.
His reply: Its ok, with u i make better decisions, like that shadow font. haha.
Are we meant for each other? Will we be together one day? Sigh.
When i told him about J*, the lecturer, who thought we are together, he seems happy about it. He told me to play along and that maybe J* thinks we are compatible. Hahaha. But Ms. E*M spoil it all when she said "Don't you know that she is married???" Maybe she was jealous? Hee hee. Ooopps.
I was trying to adapt to the situation that mid-week when i told myself that i should let it be and not pursue this issue anymore. But came all the sms-es that same time, i changed my mind again. Sigh.
And on Friday, when i was feeling down after the 'heated-up' meeting with that KL, i received his text, asking me to give him a call. It was like so coincidence. Here i was feeling upset, and suddenly he 'appeared' wanting to talk to me. It felt great afterwards, after all the 'released' frustrations. He joked about him being my "pillow" - a punching bag. He even added this text (cik ct bad mood cat) in BB. Haha.
He's a real best friend and great lover indeed. I'm so gonna miss him one day. Sigh.
That same Friday night, he text me asking the same question "Are you married?" He said i don't look married when he saw me during the day. I looked like a sweet unmarried girl. :-( The matters at home doesn't help the situation i am in. We are quarrelling every other day. There is always something that we don't seem to agree on and it will to lead to silent treatmeant for the next few days . This make the whole thing worst. I will tend to approach Y*I for comfort after all that. When i told him about this, he just replied with a sad icon. But when i apologised to him, that i should not be bothering him with all my personal stuff.
His reply: Its ok, with u i make better decisions, like that shadow font. haha.
Are we meant for each other? Will we be together one day? Sigh.
Last night, he asked me if i was forced into this marriage. He gave himself as an example where he was told to do something he do not like. He ended up quitting, doing something that he has passion in and it feels different even though the organisation sux. Its because he wants to do it. I can't answer his question. I was speechless. Am i forced? Wasn't this marriage solely my choice? And with the new house coming, he asked me wouldn't it make everything complicated if i end it. Again, i am not sure what to answer. I rather end my current status if i have a choive. I just can't go on everyday and pretend that everything is okay. I'm such a cheater and hypocrite. Plus its not fair for E*H. But how do i end it??? I am not that brave to do so. I am not living in this world alone. It involves my parents' dignity and pride. I really have no choice, do i?
When James blunt song "Goodbye my lover" was on the radio, he said maybe i should sing this song to him next June when he leaves the workplace for good. Does that mean that everything will end the moment he leaves? Then he asked me what happens then if he still work then the next 10 years? I answered maybe i should leave first then. He told me not to. Sigh.
Apart from all these, it is just one thing that i fear. That i may get preggie again. I think we should not meet for awhile till my body gets back to "normal". Once was enough. I really do not want it to happen again. Not in this messy situation. I do not want it to affect the child's future. But can i resist the temptation not meeting him. LoL! I am really crazy! Arggghhh!
E*H is going for a medical check this Wednesday. He mentioned that it got to do something with his head. I hope everything goes well. After all, he is my hubby and i do not wish for anything bad to happen to him. It will be my biggest regret should anything happen to him when i have not seek any forgiveness from him
Just one question -who am i in love with now?
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Two months since... (posted on 23/09/2007)
I have always wondered why romantic gestures between couples fade after they are pronounced man and wife. And now it is happening to me.Yesterday for instance, while we were walking, the distance between us were so far apart. Where were those days where we always held hands wherever we walk. Always side by side. It has been 2 months since we are married, but life is getting more boring than before. We get irritated more easily with each other. We can't stand each other's naggings. I feel so much better without him around during the weekends. All these only after we live together for that short while?We just got the keys to our new flat. May be officially moving in November. How will my life be then. Maybe then reality will start to set in. I will be doing all the housework, daily chores, etc. He will be at home 24/7. Will i still be meeting Y*I then? Sigh. I don't feel like moving out at all. I know my life will be very different after this. I do not want that.Why can't i just accept my reality. Why can't i just admit defeat that i can't do anything anymore. I can't just delete, edit or restart the whole system. I just can't do anything!Financial burden, commitments, responsibility. What was i thinking before this marriage. Its so tough having all these. What more, when the feeling inside is no longer the same. It just make me wanna give up everything. But what can i do. I can't just divorce him. I can't just walk out of this. He is not going to disappear. It has only been 2 months but this is the way i am feeling about this marriage. I've only been thinking all bad things that can happen to him. But i will be the laughing stock for all those who can't wait for something bad to happen to me.
I just don't know what is going to happen to me anymore....
Starting Afresh? (posted on 21/09/2007)
24 hours has since passed my worst nightmare. I'm starting to feel the pain at the lower back. Not sure if it is because of the medicine which has worn off.Suprisingly, fortunately, everything went smoothly yesterday. Must really be thankful that there was no pain, no giddiness and that i could went home still looking 'normal'. Nobody suspected anything. I can't say the same for the judgement day or maybe a few years from now. I must be ready for any retribution that i may face on this earth. Sigh.
He did care about me yesterday, for awhile. He was texting me that few hours and called me about 4+pm to ask how was i. It may be out of guilt. It may be pure concerns. I don't know and sometimes, i don't feel like i want to know anymore. I am tired. Tired of this whole thing. It is just leading to nowhere.
I envy those couple who can't wait to get married and feel so pleased that they are eventually married. Why not me? Wasn't he my choice? After 3 longs years, this is how it ends? I no longer feel excited whenever he text me, call me or even when he is not around at home. Instead, i am looking forward to a stranger's call, the meetings, for even that one second, i will feel glad. Just what is wrong with me??? This is so unfair...
Today at work, my boss have informed E*M that she will be working for Y*I prog. Its so weird. I suddenly felt hurt. I don't know why, i am not sure... When i told Y*I about it, he wanted to talk to his boss to get me as well. But doesn't that make everything more 'weird-er'! People will start to think "why ME"?? His boss always see us together. Any my boss too. But i think he have something else in mind. I don't know but i just feel like people do not want us to work together. Not that i want to work for that program but what just happened?? Is it too obvious between the two of us?? Sigh.
I do not want to think about work now. E*M was so smiley all day just now. She does like Y*I i think. She was 'offered' the same program previously but she rejected it. But this time seems like she is more than happy to accept the new portfolio. I don't know why am i feeling this way. Am i jealous or what!?! But for what!!!!
Sigh. I feel empty inside. I should not be feeling worry anymore. But what do i want from him now? Shouldn't it be over between us? After all the nightmare, I do not wish to end up in the same scenario again. The next time when i really have one, i woild want to have the free feeling, the happy feeling that it is my hubby's. Not those worries, depressed moments anymore. But part of me do want to meet him sometime. Just to chat, a warm hug, sweet kisses...
What is wrong with me...??
He did care about me yesterday, for awhile. He was texting me that few hours and called me about 4+pm to ask how was i. It may be out of guilt. It may be pure concerns. I don't know and sometimes, i don't feel like i want to know anymore. I am tired. Tired of this whole thing. It is just leading to nowhere.
I envy those couple who can't wait to get married and feel so pleased that they are eventually married. Why not me? Wasn't he my choice? After 3 longs years, this is how it ends? I no longer feel excited whenever he text me, call me or even when he is not around at home. Instead, i am looking forward to a stranger's call, the meetings, for even that one second, i will feel glad. Just what is wrong with me??? This is so unfair...
Today at work, my boss have informed E*M that she will be working for Y*I prog. Its so weird. I suddenly felt hurt. I don't know why, i am not sure... When i told Y*I about it, he wanted to talk to his boss to get me as well. But doesn't that make everything more 'weird-er'! People will start to think "why ME"?? His boss always see us together. Any my boss too. But i think he have something else in mind. I don't know but i just feel like people do not want us to work together. Not that i want to work for that program but what just happened?? Is it too obvious between the two of us?? Sigh.
I do not want to think about work now. E*M was so smiley all day just now. She does like Y*I i think. She was 'offered' the same program previously but she rejected it. But this time seems like she is more than happy to accept the new portfolio. I don't know why am i feeling this way. Am i jealous or what!?! But for what!!!!
Sigh. I feel empty inside. I should not be feeling worry anymore. But what do i want from him now? Shouldn't it be over between us? After all the nightmare, I do not wish to end up in the same scenario again. The next time when i really have one, i woild want to have the free feeling, the happy feeling that it is my hubby's. Not those worries, depressed moments anymore. But part of me do want to meet him sometime. Just to chat, a warm hug, sweet kisses...
What is wrong with me...??
Gosh! I have to start afresh... somehow... someone, please HELP me!
Falling out...& in Again... (posted on 16/09/2007)
The past week was filled with ups and downs. I thought 7 September was the end. My messages were filled of harsh words; i kept blaming him for everything.
"I will be here. Pls dun treat me like i'm a bad person."
But a day later, we were okay all over again. Sigh. I was so depressed of the situation i was or infact am still in.
Monday 10 Sep, was the confirmation day. The tests was positive. And that i am in DEEP SHIT! It is suppose to be a happy news, but not me. I just knew that i can't keep it.
Wednesday, 12 Sep, was an anxious day. The doctor didn't ask me much, knowing that i have made my decision. Its 3 weeks old. Since then, my days has been filled with fears, reluctance, regrets and everything else negative.
Thursday, 20 Sep, a day i will always remember. I am so scared of this day. I just don't know what to expect.
Maybe my perceptions towards him have been wrong. I thought he will just disappear knowing what happened. But he didn't. Although i wish he shows more of his concern about this, but part of me can understand that he do not want to bring up the subject more than anything else. For all i know, he may be feeling terrible that all these happen. Am i just making myself feeling better, i don't know.
I met him for a short while on Wed, 12 Sep, to try out the online thingy we discussed earlier that day. Although it was for awhile, it has always make my day feels better. After the check-up that evening, i text him the updates. I thought that he will not reply but suprisingly he did.
...
...
...
"lol, cina nak mampus, hehe. anyway foetal stage, no life, just cells :-("
"ya lar smarty pants. Haiz."
"shucks. if only we are married."
"Hhhmm... i'm just wondering, would you still want to date me after what has happen?"
"Do you? :-("Let him in?"
"Do you? I asked you first?"
"I want to meet you forever. dun u find it stupid for me to ask u to come today?"
"Hehe. Smarty pants dun need me to be around to do bb. Most of the time, i just sit there and stare. Zzzz.."
"Wek! moral support + motivation but i miss the cat."
"i miss the budak kecik."
The day before when i told him my 2 buddies weren't around, he told me that he is around but one day, i will hate him. And when i told him that he will just forget about me someday after he meets someone new, he said he don't think he will get attached.
And yesterday, for the first time ever, we chatted on the phone for more than an hour (01:03:01). He wasnt feeling well yesterday. But after the conversation, i felt down when he text me "why am i confiding with someone else's wife? :-( sigh." " i feel a little weak mentally when i am sick. :-( thanks for talking."
This rollercoaster feeling is terrible. I feel happy for a little while. I feel horrible for a damn loooong time. As much as both of know that this has to end soon, we just can't bring ourselves to end it. I feel embarrased sometimes being around with him. One day he will just realise that i am of no use to him. And i think that will be the day he leaves our workplace. The moment he step out of that place, i will be one of his bad memories.
Sigh. I'm not feeling well today. Maybe its the weather. Maybe its the thing inside me.
To you inside, I am sorry... but i just can't keep you dear. Hope you understand.
Please forgive me.
Horoscope for the day. (posted on 09/09/2007)
Daily
New perspectives and new ways of thinking need to be developed. Someone you work with could be looking for a more personal relationship. Before you begin a new romance, be sure you know the possible consequences. A short-term infatuation could damage your career.
Love
It is a good time to try and make your household a bright spot, full of warmth, conscience and protection. At least, at this time it is very clear to you that even attempting it is worth the trouble, and that success can be achieved with a little effort.
New perspectives and new ways of thinking need to be developed. Someone you work with could be looking for a more personal relationship. Before you begin a new romance, be sure you know the possible consequences. A short-term infatuation could damage your career.
Love
It is a good time to try and make your household a bright spot, full of warmth, conscience and protection. At least, at this time it is very clear to you that even attempting it is worth the trouble, and that success can be achieved with a little effort.
Second Test - Still POSITIVE! (posted on 07/09/2007)
Sigh.
It is still showing (+). I am in deep shit now.
Been reading about ways to get rid of it. I am scared. Scared of the pain.
I really hate him now. He insisted that i went for a check-up to confirm it. The worst part was he said that it could be E*H. How can i not know whose?!?
Damn.
Sigh.
Retribution.
What should i do now?
It is still showing (+). I am in deep shit now.
Been reading about ways to get rid of it. I am scared. Scared of the pain.
I really hate him now. He insisted that i went for a check-up to confirm it. The worst part was he said that it could be E*H. How can i not know whose?!?
Damn.
Sigh.
Retribution.
What should i do now?
First Test - POSITIVE! (posted on 05/09/2007)
Shit!
The positive sign (+) appeared almost instantly my pee went on it, even before the other line is suppose to appear. I am not sure if i did the right one because my pee actually wet that sign where it suppose to appear. I really hope the test is not correct.
I think i need to get another one later and try it out tomorrow morning.
Damn!
I really am hoping for a negative!
The positive sign (+) appeared almost instantly my pee went on it, even before the other line is suppose to appear. I am not sure if i did the right one because my pee actually wet that sign where it suppose to appear. I really hope the test is not correct.
I think i need to get another one later and try it out tomorrow morning.
Damn!
I really am hoping for a negative!
More Confusions (posted on 05/09/2007)
"Are you married?" :-(
I was shocked with this sudden text. I thought he text the wrong person. But it was meant for me... After the Sat's date, i think he felt pressurised. His next text was about this phrase of the squirrel -> one fine day, people will sure to find out about this affair.
":-( the only problem is that we are starting to move to public places and people have eyes. ARGHH!"
Bingo. He was referring to the Sat's date. Sigh.
I really felt like breaking down there and then yesterday. I've forgotten who i am. In the midst of having fun and "in love" (i presume), i have forgotten the status of my own availbility. But seriously i am not sure what he wants either. When i told him that maybe it is time that we part our ways, he text me a few times later asking why i am already ignoring him. He was even trying to cheer me up by sending some stupid joke. The best part was when he came all the way to my office just to see my reaction to it and telling me that he was glad that he was able to put on a smile on my face! How can i resist that! I was so touched by that gesture! He always make me feel good... And last night... we did it again. Gosh! Tell me now how do i let this go?
I do not wish to compare but E*H has never made me that happy or even try to please me. To him, if he can't make me happy, he will not even try. Back then when we quarrelled, he always raise the issue of breaking up, or that i should look for other guys, etc, etc. But why didn't i let him go then. What was it that i fear of during those days. Y*I said maybe this is the age when i am not sure of what i want. Maybe when i reach 30 or above, it will be a better age to settle down. Does it mean that i am not mature still? Can i even go on with this marriage feeling not guilty and treating it as if nothing has ever happen? I can't even bring myself to face the in-laws, his mom especially. Oh my. I am really screwing up my life at the moment.
Y*I said i should allow him to enter so we can continue meeting. But i can't even allow myself be touched by him! That feeling of guilt which surrounds me whenever he wants to come close, its becoming a phobia! I can't go on anymore. I am going crazy. I am feeling so depressed now.
What is becoming of my life?
I was shocked with this sudden text. I thought he text the wrong person. But it was meant for me... After the Sat's date, i think he felt pressurised. His next text was about this phrase of the squirrel -> one fine day, people will sure to find out about this affair.
":-( the only problem is that we are starting to move to public places and people have eyes. ARGHH!"
Bingo. He was referring to the Sat's date. Sigh.
I really felt like breaking down there and then yesterday. I've forgotten who i am. In the midst of having fun and "in love" (i presume), i have forgotten the status of my own availbility. But seriously i am not sure what he wants either. When i told him that maybe it is time that we part our ways, he text me a few times later asking why i am already ignoring him. He was even trying to cheer me up by sending some stupid joke. The best part was when he came all the way to my office just to see my reaction to it and telling me that he was glad that he was able to put on a smile on my face! How can i resist that! I was so touched by that gesture! He always make me feel good... And last night... we did it again. Gosh! Tell me now how do i let this go?
I do not wish to compare but E*H has never made me that happy or even try to please me. To him, if he can't make me happy, he will not even try. Back then when we quarrelled, he always raise the issue of breaking up, or that i should look for other guys, etc, etc. But why didn't i let him go then. What was it that i fear of during those days. Y*I said maybe this is the age when i am not sure of what i want. Maybe when i reach 30 or above, it will be a better age to settle down. Does it mean that i am not mature still? Can i even go on with this marriage feeling not guilty and treating it as if nothing has ever happen? I can't even bring myself to face the in-laws, his mom especially. Oh my. I am really screwing up my life at the moment.
Y*I said i should allow him to enter so we can continue meeting. But i can't even allow myself be touched by him! That feeling of guilt which surrounds me whenever he wants to come close, its becoming a phobia! I can't go on anymore. I am going crazy. I am feeling so depressed now.
What is becoming of my life?
An outing. (posted on 01/09/2007)
The first ever 'date'. Just the two of us. Out there, in the public.
It felt so real, like i was so free, single but attached and free to date. I wish. Maybe what brought us together is work. We always talk about people that we know at work. About the stuff we are doing and what he need to accomplish. That is why we always have things to talk about when we meet.
While we were walking around, it was obvious that both of us were wary of our surroundings. There was always a distant between us. Only when we knew there were not much crowd like at the toy store or while waiting for the lift, we would stand slightly closer or held hands. We know we can't afford to do this all the time. It is just too risky. But anyway he is a busy guy, with his school and stuff. Above all, it does feel good just being with him today, a day which i will always remember.
It felt like somehow that he may not be lying to me after all. Again, this doesn't matter but i pity him. It is seriously not fair for him. Why am i treating him this way? I am no longer in a boy girl relationship but i have a REAL new family to be with. What will happen to me? to us?
I have 'spilled' bowls of sins onto a clean sheet of cloth which i've just bought for myself. The cloth which is worth the price of a lifetime, which i have been saving for the past three years. I do not know how to go on wearing this cloth. It is such an embarrasment walking around, wearing this cloth, which i know is full of dirt underneath. Please remind me how did i ever ended up with this piece of sh*t! I can't remove the dirt no more. It will be with me forever...
I am so scared of the retributions that i am facing later, if not in the after life, on earth itself. What if one day my heart change once again, that i return to E*H and he never feel the same way towards me anymore. Or what if i manage to be with Y*I one day but he will treat me the same like what i am doing to my own marriage. God! I can't imagine but when the day comes, i must tell myself...
What goes around... Comes all the way back around...
Its KARMA.
It felt so real, like i was so free, single but attached and free to date. I wish. Maybe what brought us together is work. We always talk about people that we know at work. About the stuff we are doing and what he need to accomplish. That is why we always have things to talk about when we meet.
While we were walking around, it was obvious that both of us were wary of our surroundings. There was always a distant between us. Only when we knew there were not much crowd like at the toy store or while waiting for the lift, we would stand slightly closer or held hands. We know we can't afford to do this all the time. It is just too risky. But anyway he is a busy guy, with his school and stuff. Above all, it does feel good just being with him today, a day which i will always remember.
It felt like somehow that he may not be lying to me after all. Again, this doesn't matter but i pity him. It is seriously not fair for him. Why am i treating him this way? I am no longer in a boy girl relationship but i have a REAL new family to be with. What will happen to me? to us?
I have 'spilled' bowls of sins onto a clean sheet of cloth which i've just bought for myself. The cloth which is worth the price of a lifetime, which i have been saving for the past three years. I do not know how to go on wearing this cloth. It is such an embarrasment walking around, wearing this cloth, which i know is full of dirt underneath. Please remind me how did i ever ended up with this piece of sh*t! I can't remove the dirt no more. It will be with me forever...
I am so scared of the retributions that i am facing later, if not in the after life, on earth itself. What if one day my heart change once again, that i return to E*H and he never feel the same way towards me anymore. Or what if i manage to be with Y*I one day but he will treat me the same like what i am doing to my own marriage. God! I can't imagine but when the day comes, i must tell myself...
What goes around... Comes all the way back around...
Its KARMA.
Feeling Lousy No More...soon i hope (posted on 26/08/2007)
We ended up not meeting last night. He did not text me till now. For the past few sundays, he will usually text me around this time - the time of the day where i feel most lousy.
I think it may be time i focus on my own family and refreshing of personal belief. Sis thought of learning to drive. I think i should do it too. To kill time. Sometimes, when one is having too much time daydreaming, they will end up doing stupid things. Just like what i am going through right now. If i know what i want to achieve in life or if i have something that keep me going and busy, i do not think i will be doing this crappy stuff.
Just like Y*I, his studies is keeping him busy all the time. So even if he is thinking of me that much, if this is really true, his assignments will help him to put his mind off me.
I better start thinking of picking up a hobby soon...
Next, got this feeling both E*M and L*L are smelling something fishy happening between me and Y*I. Or maybe it is just me feeling things just because i am doing something wrong. I don't know. Both of them are like trying to bring up the bad side of him.
For e.g, E*M suddenly asked me "Don't you think Y*I abit childish?" When i asked what made her said so. She just said "I am not sure what exactly but the way he behave, speak like, childish". Well, if she don't really like him, she wouldn't bother to email him the other day, won't she.
Once the other time when i told her about D and her 'problem' with this younger colleague, E*M gave a remark like "This type of thing will spoil friendship between the girls for sure". With full expression on her face. Although we were talking about D & K, but i felt like she is trying to say something to me. Maybe its me, maybe its for real.
Another instance was "Forget it, you're married. Duduk diam-diam." Errrr. Ok. Was that telling me off or what seh.
I know what they are doing, if they are really doing it, is my own good sake but... oh well, i have no further comments...
Why is he so quiet today? Hhhhmmmm...
Let me tell you a secret: i am resisting the temptation to text him now! Arghh!
Last night, the photo frame cut my small finger quite deep. Gave me a shock! Some people said it may be a bad sign. But after sis reached home safely and hubby gave me a call later last night, i think maybe not...
I think it may be time i focus on my own family and refreshing of personal belief. Sis thought of learning to drive. I think i should do it too. To kill time. Sometimes, when one is having too much time daydreaming, they will end up doing stupid things. Just like what i am going through right now. If i know what i want to achieve in life or if i have something that keep me going and busy, i do not think i will be doing this crappy stuff.
Just like Y*I, his studies is keeping him busy all the time. So even if he is thinking of me that much, if this is really true, his assignments will help him to put his mind off me.
I better start thinking of picking up a hobby soon...
Next, got this feeling both E*M and L*L are smelling something fishy happening between me and Y*I. Or maybe it is just me feeling things just because i am doing something wrong. I don't know. Both of them are like trying to bring up the bad side of him.
For e.g, E*M suddenly asked me "Don't you think Y*I abit childish?" When i asked what made her said so. She just said "I am not sure what exactly but the way he behave, speak like, childish". Well, if she don't really like him, she wouldn't bother to email him the other day, won't she.
Once the other time when i told her about D and her 'problem' with this younger colleague, E*M gave a remark like "This type of thing will spoil friendship between the girls for sure". With full expression on her face. Although we were talking about D & K, but i felt like she is trying to say something to me. Maybe its me, maybe its for real.
Another instance was "Forget it, you're married. Duduk diam-diam." Errrr. Ok. Was that telling me off or what seh.
I know what they are doing, if they are really doing it, is my own good sake but... oh well, i have no further comments...
Why is he so quiet today? Hhhhmmmm...
Let me tell you a secret: i am resisting the temptation to text him now! Arghh!
Last night, the photo frame cut my small finger quite deep. Gave me a shock! Some people said it may be a bad sign. But after sis reached home safely and hubby gave me a call later last night, i think maybe not...
I hate to be kept waiting! (posted on 25/08/2007)
I am still waiting for a reply whether he wants to meet up tonight.
Wonder what kept him so long replying to such a simple question. Don't ask me why itchy me wants to meet him today. It started when he said he misses me. Girls like me, so easily melted. Whereas i know that he just misses, wanting to have something else.... O_o"
When i asked him if he feel like meeting, he just replied with a question "u dun hv to go home early rite?".
Blank! Don't know what he is thinking and don't know what he wants.
I know i should not show the anxious part of me by texting him too often BUT...
I just hate to be kept waiting!
Argh!
Wonder what kept him so long replying to such a simple question. Don't ask me why itchy me wants to meet him today. It started when he said he misses me. Girls like me, so easily melted. Whereas i know that he just misses, wanting to have something else.... O_o"
When i asked him if he feel like meeting, he just replied with a question "u dun hv to go home early rite?".
Blank! Don't know what he is thinking and don't know what he wants.
I know i should not show the anxious part of me by texting him too often BUT...
I just hate to be kept waiting!
Argh!
Wants vs Needs (posted on 25/08/2007)
Just got back from a movie date with hubby. As usual, since our dating days, we do not spent that much time outside. He don't really like being in a crowd. Used to it. Remind me again why i got married him -_-"
Know what. Sometimes when i think about my marriage, my relatives won't hesistate to laugh at my parents if anything happen between me & E*H. They have always been having something against my parents, i wonder why. As if we are born wealthy or we have a status that others should be envious of. Heh~ Weird.
When i am with Y*I, i don't give a damn about others. That strong feeling of really wanting by his side. But when we are apart, since a few days ago, i am starting to have the 'boredom' kinda thoughts and feel. I am starting to feel that i am wasting my time on someone who will not be mine in the end and that happiness is only temporary. I'm only happy when i am by his side but when i'm not, i feel like shit. Why am i wasting my time on this affair which is bringing us to nowhere. "Just don't get caught" he said. Till when. Bad deeds never last. And if ever we get caught one day, what will happen. E*H gonna hate us. My family gonna hate us. My in-laws gonna despise me. And if his family finds out, worst, we will never be together. For being the sluttish me!
Sigh.
That will be the worst nightmare ever. My family will be a laughing stock. People will be mocking at me. Is that what i really want to happen.
"Heh! That girl, so innocent decent looking but a WHORE to the core!" And that will be the end of my reputation.
I don't know what i am doing right now to my life. Risking everything just to go out with him.
I must be really crazy!
Oh yes. Remember the girl he told me about in my earlier post? The married one. Yah, he told me that she was his schoolmate's wife. Plus, she have kids! Gasp. Maybe this is the one that 'messed' part of his life previously.
And one more. An ex-girlfriend of his is working at the school he is studying in currently. They contact each other now just for projects purposes. What kind of projects?
Go figure girl.
Know what. Sometimes when i think about my marriage, my relatives won't hesistate to laugh at my parents if anything happen between me & E*H. They have always been having something against my parents, i wonder why. As if we are born wealthy or we have a status that others should be envious of. Heh~ Weird.
When i am with Y*I, i don't give a damn about others. That strong feeling of really wanting by his side. But when we are apart, since a few days ago, i am starting to have the 'boredom' kinda thoughts and feel. I am starting to feel that i am wasting my time on someone who will not be mine in the end and that happiness is only temporary. I'm only happy when i am by his side but when i'm not, i feel like shit. Why am i wasting my time on this affair which is bringing us to nowhere. "Just don't get caught" he said. Till when. Bad deeds never last. And if ever we get caught one day, what will happen. E*H gonna hate us. My family gonna hate us. My in-laws gonna despise me. And if his family finds out, worst, we will never be together. For being the sluttish me!
Sigh.
That will be the worst nightmare ever. My family will be a laughing stock. People will be mocking at me. Is that what i really want to happen.
"Heh! That girl, so innocent decent looking but a WHORE to the core!" And that will be the end of my reputation.
I don't know what i am doing right now to my life. Risking everything just to go out with him.
I must be really crazy!
Oh yes. Remember the girl he told me about in my earlier post? The married one. Yah, he told me that she was his schoolmate's wife. Plus, she have kids! Gasp. Maybe this is the one that 'messed' part of his life previously.
And one more. An ex-girlfriend of his is working at the school he is studying in currently. They contact each other now just for projects purposes. What kind of projects?
Go figure girl.
A wake-up remark. (posted on 24/08/2007)
"It's unfair. The questions that you asked... were as though we are a boyfriend girlfriend."
Wham! It hit my heart hard and it hit it good!
That is the exact question that i've been asking myself since the Tuesday meeting ever since he said it. Why do i bother if he even cheats on me. He did not say it out clearly but i got what he meant. It is unfair for him. We feel good together, as if we are 'really' together. However, when we part, i go back to someone. He goes home alone. Is that fair? I can feel how it is like if i am in his shoes.
I don't think he trust me either. He must be thinking that i go home everyday happy, just like a normal married couple. He told me his type of person need a companion of whom able to adapt and accept who he is. He had girlfriends whom were too independent and had thoughts of their own. He is a headstrong and persistent person. Just like F*Z - my first ever real love. An exact template.
Tuesday was one of the best ever meeting. We spent a slightly longer time together. I love the kiss. Sigh. It was full of emotions and sigh.... It felt so gooood! And it was the first time ever he told me things that he don't usually do.
Sigh... I don't know....
A strong feeling between us that happened just a week before the wedding, is that a sign or is that a test?
I am at a stage of confusion now. I don't know what to do with my life. And most of all, i've just SCREW it up!
Please show me a sign soon.
What the hell is going on!
Wham! It hit my heart hard and it hit it good!
That is the exact question that i've been asking myself since the Tuesday meeting ever since he said it. Why do i bother if he even cheats on me. He did not say it out clearly but i got what he meant. It is unfair for him. We feel good together, as if we are 'really' together. However, when we part, i go back to someone. He goes home alone. Is that fair? I can feel how it is like if i am in his shoes.
I don't think he trust me either. He must be thinking that i go home everyday happy, just like a normal married couple. He told me his type of person need a companion of whom able to adapt and accept who he is. He had girlfriends whom were too independent and had thoughts of their own. He is a headstrong and persistent person. Just like F*Z - my first ever real love. An exact template.
Tuesday was one of the best ever meeting. We spent a slightly longer time together. I love the kiss. Sigh. It was full of emotions and sigh.... It felt so gooood! And it was the first time ever he told me things that he don't usually do.
Sigh... I don't know....
A strong feeling between us that happened just a week before the wedding, is that a sign or is that a test?
I am at a stage of confusion now. I don't know what to do with my life. And most of all, i've just SCREW it up!
Please show me a sign soon.
What the hell is going on!
The start of an ending? (posted on 20/08/2007)
We sort of 'quarrel' yesterday.It all started because i wanted to find out more about him. I kept texting him if he is seeing someone, or if he have someone in mind already. He couldn't take the questions i guess, so the OUTBURST.
S*A: Honestly, tell me, do u haf a gf? If u do, mayb we should stop wat we r dng. It is not fair for her either.
Y*I: no.
S*A: dun bluff
Y*I: i am not married and i am not attached to anyone.
S*A: then ur a player?
Y*I: u know wat, if u not happy with something, say it, i had enuff of hearing things, i told u i even had staff saying they are my gf and things when i never even tough them.
***silence***Y*I: what happened? :-(
S*A: i am nt sure. I kept thinking why u want to be with me. Am i being used or am i using u to satisfy ourselves? I duno. I'm juz scared of losing u. But its selfish of me to thnk so...
Y*I: ok. the day i have a gf, i will tell u.
S*A: For nw, wat?
S*A: i am nt sure. I kept thinking why u want to be with me. Am i being used or am i using u to satisfy ourselves? I duno. I'm juz scared of losing u. But its selfish of me to thnk so...
Y*I: ok. the day i have a gf, i will tell u.
S*A: For nw, wat?
Y*I: wat nw ar?
S*A: Now?
Y*I: ya lar, wat nw ar? gf?
S*A: you haf anyone in mind?
Y*I: What is wrong with you? I just threw everything just now.
S*A: Wat? Can't i know about u? Is it wrong? What now! Are we just sleeping partner & the rest are secrets???
Y*I: u really want to know abt u?
S*A: WHAT?!?
S*A: you haf anyone in mind?
Y*I: What is wrong with you? I just threw everything just now.
S*A: Wat? Can't i know about u? Is it wrong? What now! Are we just sleeping partner & the rest are secrets???
Y*I: u really want to know abt u?
S*A: WHAT?!?
I am not sure what he threw exactly. But i managed to get a bit of his past.He met someone like me 4 years ago. They didn't do anything pysical at all, not even a kiss. Then he was told that she was married. Now he met me, a few days before i got married. He said maybe its his fate. He hate himself. He feels so happy knowing me but it is just not right.That hurts! That last few words were so hurting!He did not reply any of my text afterwards. Even when i said "i was sorry i hurt his feelings a few times". And when i thought that it was the end, he text me a simple goodnight.That is when i always feel weird. This always happen. When i think that this is the end of us, his text will suddenly came along. Maybe my thoughts about him were so strong that he felt it.
Whatever it is now, we will never ever be together. We will never have a happy ending. If i stop it now, it will hurt. If it drag till later, it may be more hurting.
What should i do?
Whatever it is now, we will never ever be together. We will never have a happy ending. If i stop it now, it will hurt. If it drag till later, it may be more hurting.
What should i do?
He sound real when he told me about this girl from his past. He said he will tell me if he have a girlfriend one day. But i don't know if i can ever or would even want to hear about it. I know i am being selfish with my feelings and thoughts.
But when the day comes, i will have to accept it...........don't i?
I drove him crazy? (posted on 19/08/2007)
This was the text he gave me earlier. "I drove him crazy a few sundays ago". It must be my wedding which he was referring to.
Well, nobody knew what went through my mind on that day. Felt like saying 'no' the moment the question was asked. Felt like running away from reality, never to return.
Can someone remind me why i went on with my current relationship with E*H. Was it because i fear that i will be alone if i left him? Was it because i don't to hurt anyone's feeling? We were quarrelling more times when we got engaged but i still went on with it. Was it because i do not want to cause any embarrasment to anyone? What was i thinking?
The existence of Y*I in my life right now just proves one thing. That my love for E*H is disappearing. Or worst, it wasn't at all strong in the first place.
Y*I is always ignoring my questions about us. I do not know whether he wants to end it, continue doing it or just moving along as the days go by. Will this stop once he quit his current job. Will this stop once he graduated and got a new job.
Can i move on then. What will it be like if he leave me one day. What will happen to me then. How does it end then. Will he go away quietly. Will he will he....
He said this once "i think if we were to have a big argument just ONCE, that will be the end of this affair". Will he do this to me when he wants this thing to end.
This blog will witness how far our affair went. How it will end. And that very last time, no matter how it will hurt me so deep, i have to walk ahead, no turning back, t0 reality.....
Maybe these are signs i should let go? (posted on 18/08/2007)
My horoscope for today told me to...
Quickie:Don't take things for granted -- and don't get involved with stuff you're unsure of.
Overview:You're in a pretty good mood today, but that might make you go too easy on those who need some discipline (or at least disapproval). Try not to let people walk all over you -- your strength is still in reserve.
Daily Flirt:Whether you're on a first date or you've been seeing someone for a while, make sure you assert yourself tonight. It's easier than you think -- but it's even easier to just lie down and take it like a doormat!
Daily Couples:You think you know what you need when it comes to this relationship, but think about it -- what you 'needed' a few years or even a few weeks ago is so very different from what you need now. Try to be more flexible.
Daily Singles:You've got a tendency to equivocate now and being wishy-washy won't do your love life any favors. Get your mind and body consciously in balance, think about what you really want and let your true feelings come forth.
Quickie:Don't take things for granted -- and don't get involved with stuff you're unsure of.
Overview:You're in a pretty good mood today, but that might make you go too easy on those who need some discipline (or at least disapproval). Try not to let people walk all over you -- your strength is still in reserve.
Daily Flirt:Whether you're on a first date or you've been seeing someone for a while, make sure you assert yourself tonight. It's easier than you think -- but it's even easier to just lie down and take it like a doormat!
Daily Couples:You think you know what you need when it comes to this relationship, but think about it -- what you 'needed' a few years or even a few weeks ago is so very different from what you need now. Try to be more flexible.
Daily Singles:You've got a tendency to equivocate now and being wishy-washy won't do your love life any favors. Get your mind and body consciously in balance, think about what you really want and let your true feelings come forth.
Weekend blues~ (posted on 18/08/2007)
The weekend is here once again. These 2 days of the week have been making me feeling moody and depress for the past one month.
It has been a month since the day i said "i do". I am still unsure of how i really feel. Why is my feeling towards E*H so weak? Just because of the appearance of one guy i knew for that just ONE week before the wedding?
I text E*H this morning about my feelings with this marriage. I know the message will hurt him but i have to let him know how i really feel. Y*I may be cheating me for all i know but why his presence shook our relationship so badly. Its not that i have never met some other guys whom i have a crush on. But this one is really different. Till i can feel so bored with my own hubby??? I am really going crazy!
I was just trying my luck yeasterday. Asked Y*I out for a movie today. I was rejected. His reason was because of his pile of school work. I doubt so. One - he do not want the risk to bump with anyone outside; being caught dating someone's WIFE. Two - he has a steady partner. Last sat i text him a few times about this time. There were no reply at all. Reason? He thought my husband was at home with me. Its a fucking lie! I'm with my husband on weekdays. Why did he dare to text me on weekday nights then. My guess? He is right now dating someone, his steady girlfriend...
Well, i can only wish for one thing. If that he is just using me for lust, i will caught him with somebody outside very, very soon! And that will be the end to this bloody affair! Don't he dare think that he can't do anything more with his partner before they gets married, he can use other girl to satisfy his needs.
OH MY GOD!!! What is happening to me? All these doesn't matter if it is really happening! I have no rights to even think like this. Myself a whore! a slut! a fucking stupid shit! I allow myself to be used by him, to satisfy his wants. I should just blame myself for allowing this affair to go on week after week. He have said it a few times "Why am i doing with someone's wife", "What am i gonna do with my life". He did not deny when i sarcastically hinted that he is dating a lot of girls or that he should find some other single girls. Neither did he admit he is doing so.
Sigh.
What am i gonna do with my own life. For one thing i know, i will have to pay a price after my life ends one day. For all these sins that i have been doing. Gosh, i can't believe this. Marriage is the biggest mistake i have ever done in my entire 25 years on this earth. Not accomplishing certain things such as my studies, career can still be rectified. But not for this. I owe my parents, my husband and most of all, the above - HIM!
Sometimes when i think about wanting to be with Y*I, i don't think it will have a happy ending as well. Lets just imagine if i am to EVER be single once again, for whichever reasons, i don't think it will be a smooth sailing marriage with Y*I. Karma. That is what will happen to us. There will be more challenges to face after the sins that we did before we are together for real. And even if one day i am to be single, i don't think he would even want me to be his wife. Who wants to be with a widow. Who wants to be with a girl who let herself be touched the way i did. His family will not like me for who i am, for the status that i gonna have. Their son is a smarty pants, have a very bright future. They would definitely want a girl who is a VIRGIN, have a high education as well as a good CAREER. Basically, the same status as they are. A landed property, smart sons, financial stabilty and whatever not. Who am i to think even that far to be with Y*I. It will only happen in DREAMLAND.
My, when am i able to sort this problem out. TELL ME WHEN!!
I am lost! (posted on 16/08/2007)
Why am i feeling this way towards him? I should not bloody care whether he is cheating on me,or if he is a player, or whether i am being used by him just for lust, whether he likes me, whether etc etc etc.
It doesn't fucking matter!But still i have been thinking it almost every single minute of everyday. He is the reason i am looking forward to at work... Its feel wonderful when he asked me out... It feels terrible when he don't message. He kept me thinking whether he is seeing anybody else, or is he lying to me where he at any other days. I don't know why it bothers me so much.I am married for goodness sake! Sigh. I am all covered with sinful activities. Even a thought about him is sinful enough, whats more to be with him. Everytime i am by his side, the time past so fast, i didn't want every meetings to end so fast.Yesterday was one of the day that i didn't want to end. We could just click so freaking well! We know what we are talking about, always have something to talk about. Sigh. BIG SIGH! If only i am still single right now! We will definitely be together without any shitty worries, no hidings from anybody... We could just bloody date each other so FREELY in school!!!!!!
What should i do now? Should i pull away from this relationship?Somebody help me please! I will do anything just to be free again just to be with him.PLEASE just grant me this one wish.....
Found Something... (posted on 11/08/2007)
While browsing the web, i saw something which i just feel that i want to find out more.... about him.
A blog wrote about this particular teacher who was flirting with a student and the message he sent meant for her was unintentionally broadcasted to the whole school! It was written with the initial letter of him and i guess it must be him! The suspicions i had about him is quite true, it seems. There must be some reason why he quit his previous profession. There was one time as well when we were talking about this particular lecturer in our Institute and somehow, his expression changed immediately. It was like he was defending that lecturer from personal experience. The second time, he responded in the same manner. And the messages he gave me such as "i messed part of my life..." What do he really meant with all these remarks?
Sigh.
I thought our affair was over the previous weekend. But his flirtings and my feelings got us doing it again all over. I am really unsure if i am just being used for lust and pleasure. It seems like it. I do not trust him at all. But why do i want to be with him again and again. Now i understand those complicated movies such as this. It is a feeling nobody wants to have but when it happens, it is hard to let go. It is easier to condemn their behaviours. BUT never ourselves.
What should i do now? Continue this relationship? For how long more i wonder. Part of me wants to end it. The other half just don't want to let go. This is the biggest sin i have ever done. The most sinful that anything else!
God!
How i wish these are just part of my nightmares. Which dream i prefer i wonder.
Is it the one where i am single and he appear first?
Or
He should not appear at all in my life?
Go figure please!
My life's a mess (posted on 05/08/2007)
I think it is the end of the affair.
He has given me a wake up call, which i'm in much reluctant to do.
I don't want to bother him no more. He has a much brighter future waiting for him. I was just a passing entertainment for him. Who wants a fickle-minded me.
I wonder what is happening to me. I guess its time to leave that place and move on.
We are not fated nor meant to be. How much i tried to deny my reality, i can't.
If this happens 3 months ago, it may be a different story now.
He reminds me a lot of F*Z. His smile, his kisses, the way his ears can move, his determination.......
Sigh~ its all and were just dreams.
My heart broken into little pieces once more. I will never be the same person again.
Goodbye my love. We are never meant to be...
He has given me a wake up call, which i'm in much reluctant to do.
I don't want to bother him no more. He has a much brighter future waiting for him. I was just a passing entertainment for him. Who wants a fickle-minded me.
I wonder what is happening to me. I guess its time to leave that place and move on.
We are not fated nor meant to be. How much i tried to deny my reality, i can't.
If this happens 3 months ago, it may be a different story now.
He reminds me a lot of F*Z. His smile, his kisses, the way his ears can move, his determination.......
Sigh~ its all and were just dreams.
My heart broken into little pieces once more. I will never be the same person again.
Goodbye my love. We are never meant to be...
First Month of Guilt (posted on 03/08/2007)
Who am i?
I miss the minute he is not around me.
I miss his smell.
I miss his smile.
I miss his sleepy eyes.
I miss his touch.
I miss his hug.
How does he really feel right now? Is he taking advantage of the zero commitment?
He is definitely receiving more that someone who should be deserving it.
The beginning of a new phase of life is almost reaching the end...
The only happiest day i had... - 1 August 2007
RED LIGHT ON! Phew~
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