Two months since... (posted on 23/09/2007)

I have always wondered why romantic gestures between couples fade after they are pronounced man and wife. And now it is happening to me.Yesterday for instance, while we were walking, the distance between us were so far apart. Where were those days where we always held hands wherever we walk. Always side by side. It has been 2 months since we are married, but life is getting more boring than before. We get irritated more easily with each other. We can't stand each other's naggings. I feel so much better without him around during the weekends. All these only after we live together for that short while?We just got the keys to our new flat. May be officially moving in November. How will my life be then. Maybe then reality will start to set in. I will be doing all the housework, daily chores, etc. He will be at home 24/7. Will i still be meeting Y*I then? Sigh. I don't feel like moving out at all. I know my life will be very different after this. I do not want that.Why can't i just accept my reality. Why can't i just admit defeat that i can't do anything anymore. I can't just delete, edit or restart the whole system. I just can't do anything!Financial burden, commitments, responsibility. What was i thinking before this marriage. Its so tough having all these. What more, when the feeling inside is no longer the same. It just make me wanna give up everything. But what can i do. I can't just divorce him. I can't just walk out of this. He is not going to disappear. It has only been 2 months but this is the way i am feeling about this marriage. I've only been thinking all bad things that can happen to him. But i will be the laughing stock for all those who can't wait for something bad to happen to me.

I just don't know what is going to happen to me anymore....

Starting Afresh? (posted on 21/09/2007)

24 hours has since passed my worst nightmare. I'm starting to feel the pain at the lower back. Not sure if it is because of the medicine which has worn off.Suprisingly, fortunately, everything went smoothly yesterday. Must really be thankful that there was no pain, no giddiness and that i could went home still looking 'normal'. Nobody suspected anything. I can't say the same for the judgement day or maybe a few years from now. I must be ready for any retribution that i may face on this earth. Sigh.

He did care about me yesterday, for awhile. He was texting me that few hours and called me about 4+pm to ask how was i. It may be out of guilt. It may be pure concerns. I don't know and sometimes, i don't feel like i want to know anymore. I am tired. Tired of this whole thing. It is just leading to nowhere.

I envy those couple who can't wait to get married and feel so pleased that they are eventually married. Why not me? Wasn't he my choice? After 3 longs years, this is how it ends? I no longer feel excited whenever he text me, call me or even when he is not around at home. Instead, i am looking forward to a stranger's call, the meetings, for even that one second, i will feel glad. Just what is wrong with me??? This is so unfair...

Today at work, my boss have informed E*M that she will be working for Y*I prog. Its so weird. I suddenly felt hurt. I don't know why, i am not sure... When i told Y*I about it, he wanted to talk to his boss to get me as well. But doesn't that make everything more 'weird-er'! People will start to think "why ME"?? His boss always see us together. Any my boss too. But i think he have something else in mind. I don't know but i just feel like people do not want us to work together. Not that i want to work for that program but what just happened?? Is it too obvious between the two of us?? Sigh.

I do not want to think about work now. E*M was so smiley all day just now. She does like Y*I i think. She was 'offered' the same program previously but she rejected it. But this time seems like she is more than happy to accept the new portfolio. I don't know why am i feeling this way. Am i jealous or what!?! But for what!!!!

Sigh. I feel empty inside. I should not be feeling worry anymore. But what do i want from him now? Shouldn't it be over between us? After all the nightmare, I do not wish to end up in the same scenario again. The next time when i really have one, i woild want to have the free feeling, the happy feeling that it is my hubby's. Not those worries, depressed moments anymore. But part of me do want to meet him sometime. Just to chat, a warm hug, sweet kisses...

What is wrong with me...??

Gosh! I have to start afresh... somehow... someone, please HELP me!

Falling out...& in Again... (posted on 16/09/2007)

The past week was filled with ups and downs. I thought 7 September was the end. My messages were filled of harsh words; i kept blaming him for everything.

"I will be here. Pls dun treat me like i'm a bad person."

But a day later, we were okay all over again. Sigh. I was so depressed of the situation i was or infact am still in.

Monday 10 Sep, was the confirmation day. The tests was positive. And that i am in DEEP SHIT! It is suppose to be a happy news, but not me. I just knew that i can't keep it.

Wednesday, 12 Sep, was an anxious day. The doctor didn't ask me much, knowing that i have made my decision. Its 3 weeks old. Since then, my days has been filled with fears, reluctance, regrets and everything else negative.

Thursday, 20 Sep, a day i will always remember. I am so scared of this day. I just don't know what to expect.

Maybe my perceptions towards him have been wrong. I thought he will just disappear knowing what happened. But he didn't. Although i wish he shows more of his concern about this, but part of me can understand that he do not want to bring up the subject more than anything else. For all i know, he may be feeling terrible that all these happen. Am i just making myself feeling better, i don't know.

I met him for a short while on Wed, 12 Sep, to try out the online thingy we discussed earlier that day. Although it was for awhile, it has always make my day feels better. After the check-up that evening, i text him the updates. I thought that he will not reply but suprisingly he did.

...
...
...
"lol, cina nak mampus, hehe. anyway foetal stage, no life, just cells :-("
"ya lar smarty pants. Haiz."
"shucks. if only we are married."
"Hhhmm... i'm just wondering, would you still want to date me after what has happen?"
"Do you? :-("Let him in?"
"Do you? I asked you first?"
"I want to meet you forever. dun u find it stupid for me to ask u to come today?"
"Hehe. Smarty pants dun need me to be around to do bb. Most of the time, i just sit there and stare. Zzzz.."
"Wek! moral support + motivation but i miss the cat."
"i miss the budak kecik."

The day before when i told him my 2 buddies weren't around, he told me that he is around but one day, i will hate him. And when i told him that he will just forget about me someday after he meets someone new, he said he don't think he will get attached.

And yesterday, for the first time ever, we chatted on the phone for more than an hour (01:03:01). He wasnt feeling well yesterday. But after the conversation, i felt down when he text me "why am i confiding with someone else's wife? :-( sigh." " i feel a little weak mentally when i am sick. :-( thanks for talking."

This rollercoaster feeling is terrible. I feel happy for a little while. I feel horrible for a damn loooong time. As much as both of know that this has to end soon, we just can't bring ourselves to end it. I feel embarrased sometimes being around with him. One day he will just realise that i am of no use to him. And i think that will be the day he leaves our workplace. The moment he step out of that place, i will be one of his bad memories.

Sigh. I'm not feeling well today. Maybe its the weather. Maybe its the thing inside me.

To you inside, I am sorry... but i just can't keep you dear. Hope you understand.
Please forgive me.

Horoscope for the day. (posted on 09/09/2007)

Daily

New perspectives and new ways of thinking need to be developed. Someone you work with could be looking for a more personal relationship. Before you begin a new romance, be sure you know the possible consequences. A short-term infatuation could damage your career.

Love

It is a good time to try and make your household a bright spot, full of warmth, conscience and protection. At least, at this time it is very clear to you that even attempting it is worth the trouble, and that success can be achieved with a little effort.

Second Test - Still POSITIVE! (posted on 07/09/2007)

Sigh.

It is still showing (+). I am in deep shit now.

Been reading about ways to get rid of it. I am scared. Scared of the pain.

I really hate him now. He insisted that i went for a check-up to confirm it. The worst part was he said that it could be E*H. How can i not know whose?!?

Damn.

Sigh.

Retribution.

What should i do now?

First Test - POSITIVE! (posted on 05/09/2007)

Shit!

The positive sign (+) appeared almost instantly my pee went on it, even before the other line is suppose to appear. I am not sure if i did the right one because my pee actually wet that sign where it suppose to appear. I really hope the test is not correct.

I think i need to get another one later and try it out tomorrow morning.

Damn!

I really am hoping for a negative!

More Confusions (posted on 05/09/2007)

"Are you married?" :-(

I was shocked with this sudden text. I thought he text the wrong person. But it was meant for me... After the Sat's date, i think he felt pressurised. His next text was about this phrase of the squirrel -> one fine day, people will sure to find out about this affair.

":-( the only problem is that we are starting to move to public places and people have eyes. ARGHH!"

Bingo. He was referring to the Sat's date. Sigh.

I really felt like breaking down there and then yesterday. I've forgotten who i am. In the midst of having fun and "in love" (i presume), i have forgotten the status of my own availbility. But seriously i am not sure what he wants either. When i told him that maybe it is time that we part our ways, he text me a few times later asking why i am already ignoring him. He was even trying to cheer me up by sending some stupid joke. The best part was when he came all the way to my office just to see my reaction to it and telling me that he was glad that he was able to put on a smile on my face! How can i resist that! I was so touched by that gesture! He always make me feel good... And last night... we did it again. Gosh! Tell me now how do i let this go?

I do not wish to compare but E*H has never made me that happy or even try to please me. To him, if he can't make me happy, he will not even try. Back then when we quarrelled, he always raise the issue of breaking up, or that i should look for other guys, etc, etc. But why didn't i let him go then. What was it that i fear of during those days. Y*I said maybe this is the age when i am not sure of what i want. Maybe when i reach 30 or above, it will be a better age to settle down. Does it mean that i am not mature still? Can i even go on with this marriage feeling not guilty and treating it as if nothing has ever happen? I can't even bring myself to face the in-laws, his mom especially. Oh my. I am really screwing up my life at the moment.

Y*I said i should allow him to enter so we can continue meeting. But i can't even allow myself be touched by him! That feeling of guilt which surrounds me whenever he wants to come close, its becoming a phobia! I can't go on anymore. I am going crazy. I am feeling so depressed now.

What is becoming of my life?

An outing. (posted on 01/09/2007)

The first ever 'date'. Just the two of us. Out there, in the public.

It felt so real, like i was so free, single but attached and free to date. I wish. Maybe what brought us together is work. We always talk about people that we know at work. About the stuff we are doing and what he need to accomplish. That is why we always have things to talk about when we meet.

While we were walking around, it was obvious that both of us were wary of our surroundings. There was always a distant between us. Only when we knew there were not much crowd like at the toy store or while waiting for the lift, we would stand slightly closer or held hands. We know we can't afford to do this all the time. It is just too risky. But anyway he is a busy guy, with his school and stuff. Above all, it does feel good just being with him today, a day which i will always remember.

It felt like somehow that he may not be lying to me after all. Again, this doesn't matter but i pity him. It is seriously not fair for him. Why am i treating him this way? I am no longer in a boy girl relationship but i have a REAL new family to be with. What will happen to me? to us?

I have 'spilled' bowls of sins onto a clean sheet of cloth which i've just bought for myself. The cloth which is worth the price of a lifetime, which i have been saving for the past three years. I do not know how to go on wearing this cloth. It is such an embarrasment walking around, wearing this cloth, which i know is full of dirt underneath. Please remind me how did i ever ended up with this piece of sh*t! I can't remove the dirt no more. It will be with me forever...

I am so scared of the retributions that i am facing later, if not in the after life, on earth itself. What if one day my heart change once again, that i return to E*H and he never feel the same way towards me anymore. Or what if i manage to be with Y*I one day but he will treat me the same like what i am doing to my own marriage. God! I can't imagine but when the day comes, i must tell myself...

What goes around... Comes all the way back around...

Its KARMA.

Feeling Lousy No More...soon i hope (posted on 26/08/2007)

We ended up not meeting last night. He did not text me till now. For the past few sundays, he will usually text me around this time - the time of the day where i feel most lousy.

I think it may be time i focus on my own family and refreshing of personal belief. Sis thought of learning to drive. I think i should do it too. To kill time. Sometimes, when one is having too much time daydreaming, they will end up doing stupid things. Just like what i am going through right now. If i know what i want to achieve in life or if i have something that keep me going and busy, i do not think i will be doing this crappy stuff.

Just like Y*I, his studies is keeping him busy all the time. So even if he is thinking of me that much, if this is really true, his assignments will help him to put his mind off me.

I better start thinking of picking up a hobby soon...

Next, got this feeling both E*M and L*L are smelling something fishy happening between me and Y*I. Or maybe it is just me feeling things just because i am doing something wrong. I don't know. Both of them are like trying to bring up the bad side of him.

For e.g, E*M suddenly asked me "Don't you think Y*I abit childish?" When i asked what made her said so. She just said "I am not sure what exactly but the way he behave, speak like, childish". Well, if she don't really like him, she wouldn't bother to email him the other day, won't she.

Once the other time when i told her about D and her 'problem' with this younger colleague, E*M gave a remark like "This type of thing will spoil friendship between the girls for sure". With full expression on her face. Although we were talking about D & K, but i felt like she is trying to say something to me. Maybe its me, maybe its for real.

Another instance was "Forget it, you're married. Duduk diam-diam." Errrr. Ok. Was that telling me off or what seh.

I know what they are doing, if they are really doing it, is my own good sake but... oh well, i have no further comments...

Why is he so quiet today? Hhhhmmmm...

Let me tell you a secret: i am resisting the temptation to text him now! Arghh!

Last night, the photo frame cut my small finger quite deep. Gave me a shock! Some people said it may be a bad sign. But after sis reached home safely and hubby gave me a call later last night, i think maybe not...

I hate to be kept waiting! (posted on 25/08/2007)

I am still waiting for a reply whether he wants to meet up tonight.

Wonder what kept him so long replying to such a simple question. Don't ask me why itchy me wants to meet him today. It started when he said he misses me. Girls like me, so easily melted. Whereas i know that he just misses, wanting to have something else.... O_o"

When i asked him if he feel like meeting, he just replied with a question "u dun hv to go home early rite?".

Blank! Don't know what he is thinking and don't know what he wants.

I know i should not show the anxious part of me by texting him too often BUT...

I just hate to be kept waiting!

Argh!

Wants vs Needs (posted on 25/08/2007)

Just got back from a movie date with hubby. As usual, since our dating days, we do not spent that much time outside. He don't really like being in a crowd. Used to it. Remind me again why i got married him -_-"

Know what. Sometimes when i think about my marriage, my relatives won't hesistate to laugh at my parents if anything happen between me & E*H. They have always been having something against my parents, i wonder why. As if we are born wealthy or we have a status that others should be envious of. Heh~ Weird.

When i am with Y*I, i don't give a damn about others. That strong feeling of really wanting by his side. But when we are apart, since a few days ago, i am starting to have the 'boredom' kinda thoughts and feel. I am starting to feel that i am wasting my time on someone who will not be mine in the end and that happiness is only temporary. I'm only happy when i am by his side but when i'm not, i feel like shit. Why am i wasting my time on this affair which is bringing us to nowhere. "Just don't get caught" he said. Till when. Bad deeds never last. And if ever we get caught one day, what will happen. E*H gonna hate us. My family gonna hate us. My in-laws gonna despise me. And if his family finds out, worst, we will never be together. For being the sluttish me!

Sigh.

That will be the worst nightmare ever. My family will be a laughing stock. People will be mocking at me. Is that what i really want to happen.

"Heh! That girl, so innocent decent looking but a WHORE to the core!" And that will be the end of my reputation.

I don't know what i am doing right now to my life. Risking everything just to go out with him.

I must be really crazy!

Oh yes. Remember the girl he told me about in my earlier post? The married one. Yah, he told me that she was his schoolmate's wife. Plus, she have kids! Gasp. Maybe this is the one that 'messed' part of his life previously.

And one more. An ex-girlfriend of his is working at the school he is studying in currently. They contact each other now just for projects purposes. What kind of projects?

Go figure girl.

A wake-up remark. (posted on 24/08/2007)

"It's unfair. The questions that you asked... were as though we are a boyfriend girlfriend."

Wham! It hit my heart hard and it hit it good!

That is the exact question that i've been asking myself since the Tuesday meeting ever since he said it. Why do i bother if he even cheats on me. He did not say it out clearly but i got what he meant. It is unfair for him. We feel good together, as if we are 'really' together. However, when we part, i go back to someone. He goes home alone. Is that fair? I can feel how it is like if i am in his shoes.

I don't think he trust me either. He must be thinking that i go home everyday happy, just like a normal married couple. He told me his type of person need a companion of whom able to adapt and accept who he is. He had girlfriends whom were too independent and had thoughts of their own. He is a headstrong and persistent person. Just like F*Z - my first ever real love. An exact template.

Tuesday was one of the best ever meeting. We spent a slightly longer time together. I love the kiss. Sigh. It was full of emotions and sigh.... It felt so gooood! And it was the first time ever he told me things that he don't usually do.

Sigh... I don't know....

A strong feeling between us that happened just a week before the wedding, is that a sign or is that a test?

I am at a stage of confusion now. I don't know what to do with my life. And most of all, i've just SCREW it up!

Please show me a sign soon.

What the hell is going on!

The start of an ending? (posted on 20/08/2007)

We sort of 'quarrel' yesterday.It all started because i wanted to find out more about him. I kept texting him if he is seeing someone, or if he have someone in mind already. He couldn't take the questions i guess, so the OUTBURST.

S*A: Honestly, tell me, do u haf a gf? If u do, mayb we should stop wat we r dng. It is not fair for her either.

Y*I: no.

S*A: dun bluff

Y*I: i am not married and i am not attached to anyone.

S*A: then ur a player?

Y*I: u know wat, if u not happy with something, say it, i had enuff of hearing things, i told u i even had staff saying they are my gf and things when i never even tough them.

***silence***Y*I: what happened? :-(
S*A: i am nt sure. I kept thinking why u want to be with me. Am i being used or am i using u to satisfy ourselves? I duno. I'm juz scared of losing u. But its selfish of me to thnk so...
Y*I: ok. the day i have a gf, i will tell u.
S*A: For nw, wat?

Y*I: wat nw ar?

S*A: Now?

Y*I: ya lar, wat nw ar? gf?
S*A: you haf anyone in mind?
Y*I: What is wrong with you? I just threw everything just now.
S*A: Wat? Can't i know about u? Is it wrong? What now! Are we just sleeping partner & the rest are secrets???
Y*I: u really want to know abt u?
S*A: WHAT?!?

I am not sure what he threw exactly. But i managed to get a bit of his past.He met someone like me 4 years ago. They didn't do anything pysical at all, not even a kiss. Then he was told that she was married. Now he met me, a few days before i got married. He said maybe its his fate. He hate himself. He feels so happy knowing me but it is just not right.That hurts! That last few words were so hurting!He did not reply any of my text afterwards. Even when i said "i was sorry i hurt his feelings a few times". And when i thought that it was the end, he text me a simple goodnight.That is when i always feel weird. This always happen. When i think that this is the end of us, his text will suddenly came along. Maybe my thoughts about him were so strong that he felt it.

Whatever it is now, we will never ever be together. We will never have a happy ending. If i stop it now, it will hurt. If it drag till later, it may be more hurting.

What should i do?

He sound real when he told me about this girl from his past. He said he will tell me if he have a girlfriend one day. But i don't know if i can ever or would even want to hear about it. I know i am being selfish with my feelings and thoughts.

But when the day comes, i will have to accept it...........don't i?

I drove him crazy? (posted on 19/08/2007)

This was the text he gave me earlier. "I drove him crazy a few sundays ago". It must be my wedding which he was referring to.

Well, nobody knew what went through my mind on that day. Felt like saying 'no' the moment the question was asked. Felt like running away from reality, never to return.

Can someone remind me why i went on with my current relationship with E*H. Was it because i fear that i will be alone if i left him? Was it because i don't to hurt anyone's feeling? We were quarrelling more times when we got engaged but i still went on with it. Was it because i do not want to cause any embarrasment to anyone? What was i thinking?

The existence of Y*I in my life right now just proves one thing. That my love for E*H is disappearing. Or worst, it wasn't at all strong in the first place.

Y*I is always ignoring my questions about us. I do not know whether he wants to end it, continue doing it or just moving along as the days go by. Will this stop once he quit his current job. Will this stop once he graduated and got a new job.

Can i move on then. What will it be like if he leave me one day. What will happen to me then. How does it end then. Will he go away quietly. Will he will he....

He said this once "i think if we were to have a big argument just ONCE, that will be the end of this affair". Will he do this to me when he wants this thing to end.

This blog will witness how far our affair went. How it will end. And that very last time, no matter how it will hurt me so deep, i have to walk ahead, no turning back, t0 reality.....

Maybe these are signs i should let go? (posted on 18/08/2007)

My horoscope for today told me to...

Quickie:Don't take things for granted -- and don't get involved with stuff you're unsure of.

Overview:You're in a pretty good mood today, but that might make you go too easy on those who need some discipline (or at least disapproval). Try not to let people walk all over you -- your strength is still in reserve.

Daily Flirt:Whether you're on a first date or you've been seeing someone for a while, make sure you assert yourself tonight. It's easier than you think -- but it's even easier to just lie down and take it like a doormat!

Daily Couples:You think you know what you need when it comes to this relationship, but think about it -- what you 'needed' a few years or even a few weeks ago is so very different from what you need now. Try to be more flexible.

Daily Singles:You've got a tendency to equivocate now and being wishy-washy won't do your love life any favors. Get your mind and body consciously in balance, think about what you really want and let your true feelings come forth.

Weekend blues~ (posted on 18/08/2007)

The weekend is here once again. These 2 days of the week have been making me feeling moody and depress for the past one month.

It has been a month since the day i said "i do". I am still unsure of how i really feel. Why is my feeling towards E*H so weak? Just because of the appearance of one guy i knew for that just ONE week before the wedding?

I text E*H this morning about my feelings with this marriage. I know the message will hurt him but i have to let him know how i really feel. Y*I may be cheating me for all i know but why his presence shook our relationship so badly. Its not that i have never met some other guys whom i have a crush on. But this one is really different. Till i can feel so bored with my own hubby??? I am really going crazy!

I was just trying my luck yeasterday. Asked Y*I out for a movie today. I was rejected. His reason was because of his pile of school work. I doubt so. One - he do not want the risk to bump with anyone outside; being caught dating someone's WIFE. Two - he has a steady partner. Last sat i text him a few times about this time. There were no reply at all. Reason? He thought my husband was at home with me. Its a fucking lie! I'm with my husband on weekdays. Why did he dare to text me on weekday nights then. My guess? He is right now dating someone, his steady girlfriend...

Well, i can only wish for one thing. If that he is just using me for lust, i will caught him with somebody outside very, very soon! And that will be the end to this bloody affair! Don't he dare think that he can't do anything more with his partner before they gets married, he can use other girl to satisfy his needs.

OH MY GOD!!! What is happening to me? All these doesn't matter if it is really happening! I have no rights to even think like this. Myself a whore! a slut! a fucking stupid shit! I allow myself to be used by him, to satisfy his wants. I should just blame myself for allowing this affair to go on week after week. He have said it a few times "Why am i doing with someone's wife", "What am i gonna do with my life". He did not deny when i sarcastically hinted that he is dating a lot of girls or that he should find some other single girls. Neither did he admit he is doing so.

Sigh.

What am i gonna do with my own life. For one thing i know, i will have to pay a price after my life ends one day. For all these sins that i have been doing. Gosh, i can't believe this. Marriage is the biggest mistake i have ever done in my entire 25 years on this earth. Not accomplishing certain things such as my studies, career can still be rectified. But not for this. I owe my parents, my husband and most of all, the above - HIM!

Sometimes when i think about wanting to be with Y*I, i don't think it will have a happy ending as well. Lets just imagine if i am to EVER be single once again, for whichever reasons, i don't think it will be a smooth sailing marriage with Y*I. Karma. That is what will happen to us. There will be more challenges to face after the sins that we did before we are together for real. And even if one day i am to be single, i don't think he would even want me to be his wife. Who wants to be with a widow. Who wants to be with a girl who let herself be touched the way i did. His family will not like me for who i am, for the status that i gonna have. Their son is a smarty pants, have a very bright future. They would definitely want a girl who is a VIRGIN, have a high education as well as a good CAREER. Basically, the same status as they are. A landed property, smart sons, financial stabilty and whatever not. Who am i to think even that far to be with Y*I. It will only happen in DREAMLAND.

My, when am i able to sort this problem out. TELL ME WHEN!!

I am lost! (posted on 16/08/2007)

Why am i feeling this way towards him? I should not bloody care whether he is cheating on me,or if he is a player, or whether i am being used by him just for lust, whether he likes me, whether etc etc etc.

It doesn't fucking matter!But still i have been thinking it almost every single minute of everyday. He is the reason i am looking forward to at work... Its feel wonderful when he asked me out... It feels terrible when he don't message. He kept me thinking whether he is seeing anybody else, or is he lying to me where he at any other days. I don't know why it bothers me so much.I am married for goodness sake! Sigh. I am all covered with sinful activities. Even a thought about him is sinful enough, whats more to be with him. Everytime i am by his side, the time past so fast, i didn't want every meetings to end so fast.Yesterday was one of the day that i didn't want to end. We could just click so freaking well! We know what we are talking about, always have something to talk about. Sigh. BIG SIGH! If only i am still single right now! We will definitely be together without any shitty worries, no hidings from anybody... We could just bloody date each other so FREELY in school!!!!!!

What should i do now? Should i pull away from this relationship?Somebody help me please! I will do anything just to be free again just to be with him.PLEASE just grant me this one wish.....

Found Something... (posted on 11/08/2007)

While browsing the web, i saw something which i just feel that i want to find out more.... about him.

A blog wrote about this particular teacher who was flirting with a student and the message he sent meant for her was unintentionally broadcasted to the whole school! It was written with the initial letter of him and i guess it must be him! The suspicions i had about him is quite true, it seems. There must be some reason why he quit his previous profession. There was one time as well when we were talking about this particular lecturer in our Institute and somehow, his expression changed immediately. It was like he was defending that lecturer from personal experience. The second time, he responded in the same manner. And the messages he gave me such as "i messed part of my life..." What do he really meant with all these remarks?

Sigh.

I thought our affair was over the previous weekend. But his flirtings and my feelings got us doing it again all over. I am really unsure if i am just being used for lust and pleasure. It seems like it. I do not trust him at all. But why do i want to be with him again and again. Now i understand those complicated movies such as this. It is a feeling nobody wants to have but when it happens, it is hard to let go. It is easier to condemn their behaviours. BUT never ourselves.

What should i do now? Continue this relationship? For how long more i wonder. Part of me wants to end it. The other half just don't want to let go. This is the biggest sin i have ever done. The most sinful that anything else!

God!

How i wish these are just part of my nightmares. Which dream i prefer i wonder.

Is it the one where i am single and he appear first?

Or

He should not appear at all in my life?

Go figure please!

My life's a mess (posted on 05/08/2007)

I think it is the end of the affair.

He has given me a wake up call, which i'm in much reluctant to do.

I don't want to bother him no more. He has a much brighter future waiting for him. I was just a passing entertainment for him. Who wants a fickle-minded me.

I wonder what is happening to me. I guess its time to leave that place and move on.

We are not fated nor meant to be. How much i tried to deny my reality, i can't.

If this happens 3 months ago, it may be a different story now.

He reminds me a lot of F*Z. His smile, his kisses, the way his ears can move, his determination.......

Sigh~ its all and were just dreams.

My heart broken into little pieces once more. I will never be the same person again.

Goodbye my love. We are never meant to be...

First Month of Guilt (posted on 03/08/2007)

Who am i?

I miss the minute he is not around me.

I miss his smell.

I miss his smile.

I miss his sleepy eyes.

I miss his touch.

I miss his hug.

How does he really feel right now? Is he taking advantage of the zero commitment?

He is definitely receiving more that someone who should be deserving it.

The beginning of a new phase of life is almost reaching the end...

The only happiest day i had... - 1 August 2007

RED LIGHT ON! Phew~